31,230,227 US Cases
2,940,601 Global Deaths
562,341 US Deaths (including my Uncle, Bryan Fonseca, and so many other friends and family)
Marion, Indiana, US:
Cases: 95,509
Deaths: 1,706
I wish I would have kept up on my blog but I did keep up with my journal. So I have a little bit of a record. But, man, this year! So much changed. I changed. My family changed.
We are coming out of it, but cases are rising again. It's not over. The vaccines are here, but we are still learning about the pandemic, the cause, the long COVID sufferers. My doctor thinks I may have had COVID last January when I was diagnosed with pneumonia. It took me so long to get through that and get over the fatigue. I would have good days and bad days. I would think I'm better and then do too much and go down again. I'm so glad I never got hospitalized from it. I do have an elevated asthma med now that includes steroids and is probably not helping my mood swings.
Speaking of mood swings, I've been so sad. So sad about all that we lost in this last year. So sad about Zion, my job, my relationship, myself. I go from sad to angry mostly. Thankfully, I'm learning from my Coaching classes some brain-based techniques to help me through some bad moments. I'm in control of my thoughts and my thoughts dictate my feelings. I also have a therapy appointment at 4pm today. I haven't been to therapy in so long. I hope it helps to get some of my thoughts out and process them with an outside party.
I finally got to talk to Jenni about Zion's recent decision (to move in with his father) Saturday. But I feel like I made it all about me again; my need for attention and affection. My need for achievement and control. Rather than listening and understanding her current predicament, I just dumped all my feelings on her. Sure, it was great to get all of that out of me, but I know parts of it were hurtful and weren't helpful or encouraging to her current personal struggle. It wasn't fair, but it needed to be said. I just need to be able to process it before I pile on all the things I think she may be doing wrong. She is hurting and I need to be more emotionally aware of the other person and not so selfish.
Same thing with Zion on January 6, I was triggered and piled on all that he was doing wrong while I was in all of my feelings, and needing to over-control things, when he was already in a fragile place. I know part of me drove him away and I can't process that shame and guilt now. I don't even get another shot to talk to him and share what a jerk I was. I can't even apologize to his face. I've sent an email and a text, but that's all. No response. All of it was true and I had been feeling it for awhile, but it was too much too fast. He was already dealing with whatever and then had to deal with me and my emotional outburst. It was immature and childish. I was super irritable because I quit drinking cold turkey on January 1 and hid the alcohol from myself and everybody. Problem is I didn't tell anyone that I was planning on NOT drinking and didn't fully understand what it would do to by body or mind. Also, the Capitol Riot and how out of control my country was didn't help my thought processes. That most likely made me want to control my personal life even more as a trauma response to what I had just witnessed.
Now I have to let go of ever being his step-parent. I pushed too hard and now he's gone. I will never be a parent and I have to live with that for the rest of my life. Who knows what will come of it, but I have to let go of any expectations of having a meaningful relationship with him in order to move passed this for myself. It hurts too much not to have closure with him around this incident. It doesn't change how I feel about him, but it is not something that I can carry forward. We had some really great memories. He's such a great kid and is going to do great things with his life once he gets passed his hurt. I hope therapy helps him too. I can't wait to see the man he grows into. I hope I'm able to witness that at least.
There is so much I just can't change about my past. I've been through a lot too, just like Zion is going through now. Rather than leaning into those stories to help him, I laid down more boundaries and expectations. I just need to work on myself and move forward. I'm better than I was and I'm learning more about myself everyday. Sometimes I feel like a bad friend, bad partner, and a bad coworker, but I can only learn from those moments. I've started a nighttime journal in order to capture these learning moments and what I could have done better. Reflection is growth. But changed behavior is the best gift I could give anyone.
So that's all I can do. Stay in the moment. Learn why I need so much attention and why I have such a strong desire for achievements. I hope I can explore this with my therapist. I hope this one sticks and I don't have to go searching again. But we shall see.
I miss events. I miss my friends. I miss a full schedule. I miss restaurants. I miss my family. Without distractions, I have to face my problems head on and I'm not doing well doing that, am I? I have my second vaccine on Friday. I really hope I don't have any adverse effects from it. I have two meetings with InterPride on Saturday, April 17.
I'm really trying to figure out what I want to do with my life. That's the whole reason I dove into the coaching work so quickly. I think I would really enjoy working on my own stuff and doing group coaching for folks. I have another coaching course to try out tomorrow night with "In It Together Coaching" based in VIA Character Strengths. I need to see if I have any prework to do. That might be a good idea!
It's been great meal prepping and meal planning with Jenni. I think it is really going to help us lose weight and stay more active. We just have to stick to it. I am really enjoying my new weights and getting stronger. We just have to stay healthy and well. I don't ever want to think about losing Jenni. She's the best thing that I found in this State.
I did a doodle of a web of all my identities so I could organize myself and also maybe decide on what is worth keeping. I'm looking at it now: InterPride, Governance Co-Chair, Region 4 Rep, USAP, Indy Pride, Project Manager, Product Development, IA Sales, and my personal self. I haven't let go of any of them, and I'm making positive moves in some areas and I'm honestly doing poorly with others due to frustration or lack of interest.
IA has suffered this past year. I'm still under a salary cut and I'm in sales - which feels inauthentic to what I really wanted to do. But maybe this is where I will stay and where I will thrive. Who knows? Until I decide to make a move, I don't think Barry will cut me. He sees my value, but he's really not utilizing me in the best way. I've told him I have recruiters looking at me. Maybe that wasn't smart, but I need to know what's next. If he doesn't have a plan for me, then I need to make a plan for myself.
Same with all this volunteer stuff. Is it serving me or am I really working for free and wasting my time trying to add value and contribute to something that really doesn't match my values? I need to figure that out. I've been thinking a lot about weighing things against my values, but I've been working with my "right now" values rather than my life values. So I still need to do some discovery in that area.
Time for therapy! Will process more later. Thanks for the random journaling.
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