I found True Love! 2016

The almost daily chronicles from last year that led to an amazing love. Enjoy!

TEXT: 2/4/16 11:25am - You’re a strong presence and that’s what this piece needs…which I love that I didn’t know that when I cast you J I also trust you and your ability to show up when you say you will.

Together would be awesome!

Hellllllz yeah. Is that a yes? ;)

My heart is racing! I love it! Lets do it!

I’d be happy to meet ya a tad early Sunday to go thru it a time or two. Church starts at 10. We could meet for breakfast or around 930 to iron it out.

YAY! YAY! YAY!!!!!

Early practice sounds great!

Awesome…

I’m so glad we metJ I really like your energy!!! Yay!!!!!

Ditto! Ditto! Ditto!!!!

Yay yay yay!!!!!

JENNI!!!! Do you have a feeling that we said too much last night and then at the same time…not enough?

I think back to all the subjects we hit on and I can’t believe we covered all of that. I worry that I may have talked too much about myself and my relationship. I hope that doesn’t give you a bad impression of me. I know that I have no chance with you if I spend any more minutes with Allyson.

Everything I told you about that other person is true for me as well. It hurts to hear the truth for you but that it means even more for my situation. I said if its real why wait? Why wait for the other person to be taken by someone else? That’s my fear. What if in May your other person sees the light and you jump ship with her? I know I can’t control any of that! I wish I knew the future but …somehow I feel it.

That’s all I meant last night when I said there is something that I need to learn from you. I really feel that way. I can’t shake it. I can’t stop thinking of you. I can’t help imagining you were lying next to me last night. It’s a crazy weird feeling because I honestly feel that I’ve never been in love before. I think this must be what it feels like. I can’t help how I feel. I can’t fight all of the emotions that are flowing through me. I know I need to be realistic. I honestly don’t know anything about you. I want to date you so hard and learn everything, everything about you. I don’t have much of a filter when sharing what’s on my mind.

I can’t believe I told you that I have been having trouble crying or that I even talked about Mukilteo. Then we even got to Peacocks and Projects! I like your description of vibrations as well.

TEXT: 2/11/16 1:33pm – Hey Eve! Thanks for the chat last night. It was nice getting to know you a little bit more and I hope we can continue that. Have a fabulous afternoon!

Hey you! I get the feeling that we both may have said too much but then again, maybe not enough. Maybe its just me. Amazing, comfortable honesty. I love it! Hope there’s more. Keep being awesome!

I don’t know how to be anything but honest. J and yeah…same feeling. Rock and roll!!!!

Crazy how much you can learn about someone by sending beautiful flowers to a beautiful soul…anonymously. ;)

Lol. Truth. I’m just aware that the tip of the iceberg I’ve shared with you may show you just how ‘crazy’ I really am. But I own that and enjoy my own special brand of crazy – most of the time! ;)

Interesting that you’re worried how crazy I may think you are. Brutal honesty with a side of crazy is my fave kind! I’m right there with you! Same pages.

Phew! Good stuff!!!

So why am I documenting all of this? Why do I feel so overwhelmed with every emotion right now but unable to land on a single one? I feel like crying for happiness, for sadness, for the opening of the wound that has been closed shut for so long, for being so vulnerable to someone without knowing how they will react, without knowing how they will respond and then-above all-without fear.

It’s like a found my muse. My creative juices are flowing again. My heart wants to sing a song or write a poem to express this at my deepest level. The songs below have played on Pandora. I do not feel that Pandora randomness is random at all. Maybe that is wishful thinking but this life and its crazy puzzle pieces do fit together in a wonderful way that is often mysterious and filled with ecstatic joy, just waiting for someone to notice.

Kelly Clarkson – Heartbeat Song

Rachel Platten – Long Ranger

Colbie Caillat – Think Good Thoughts, Feelings Show

Sara Bareilles – I Choose You

I choose happiness but above all I rest in the joy of God, the faith and ultimate hope that only a relationship with Jesus can bring. Regardless of what happens between now and next Valentine’s Day, I know that Allyson and I will not be in a committed relationship.

Pandora laughs at this: We are never ever getting back together – Taylor Swift

Bleeding Love – Leona Lewis

Fallin’ for You – Colbie Caillat

TEXTS AND PICS while at White Rabbit last night after dress rehearsal 2/11

I did not communicate to Allyson that I was going to the White Rabbit. I got in big trouble for not communicating. I got accused of always doing this with Stacy which is crazy! I told her that I told Stacy and we had a good laugh. J Didn’t get a good reaction from that. Oops!

Friday:

Fine by me – Andy Grammer

Feel Again – OneRepublic

Today I feel energized! I feel so happy! I feel so determined. I have some stuff in my way but I’m going to get there and that is so encouraging to me!! I want what I want and I have to jump through the right hoops for ME and only ME no matter what the consequences.

So mom just called me – wants to see me to sign some paperwork to be her beneficiary 3/7/2016.

Thursday, Feb 18, 2016:

Interesting weekend. Monologues, special gifts, a green rock and almost a wreck. Lots of grumpiness from Allyson and a very FAKE Valentine’s Day filled with gifts and unspoken expectations.

Fast forward to Tuesday where I had an absolute DIVINE time with Jenni. Great conversation. I broke up with Allyson that morning when she insisted on dropping my car off to Mazda for a recall repair. Then went to dinner with Stacy and then a show at the White Rabbit with new friends!

We ended up cuddling on the couch a tiny bit and getting kicked out. Then stood and spoke honestly on the sidewalk for way too long but loving every moment of it. So cute, so innocent, so sweet. I told her I have never pursued a woman before but that I couldn’t stop pursuing her. We both expressed how easy it would be to go back to her house but neither of us wanted that. It was deeper than that. Whatever it would be is going to be but this means more to both of us. It means so much that I’m about to tear up just writing about the wave of emotions I’m feeling.

Last night I was texting Jenni after the meeting and Allyson flipped out! Several hateful words and accusations. Lisa was involved and I don’t want to rehash it all. But today she is acting sweet as pie and I can’t stand it. She even tagged me on FB because she went over to build Josh a car.

I know what I need to do in order to continue discovering this new opportunity with Jenni. Allyson assumes so much of what is true but why can’t it be true. This is exactly how she felt when she pursued me. She knows the game. The only thing she doesn’t understand is that Jenni is the one showing me that I deserve better. Jenni is the example of what I’m looking for in myself and in a partner.

I’ve stated this before, but I don’t believe I’ve been in love before. This must be what it feels like to be excited about the possibilities. To be nervous but ready for that next step. I don’t know what is going to happen but I am unable to explore that with Allyson still trying to reconcile with me. UGH!

Jenni and I have had so many great interactions via text and music today. Stand By You and Better Place by Rachel Platten. Breathe by Ryan Star. She bought my calendar book. She even filled out a passport application! I wish I wish I wish I could take her!! It’s killing me to have to go with Allyson but hopefully we can come to an understanding that I am done with trying to make this work!

I’m excited about the possibilities with Jenni. I’m nervous about dealing with Allyson and all of her hatefulness. It’s really affecting me physically-stress, anxiety, lack of sleep. I’ve been avoiding this for so long. I need to just pull away completely so that she can go through her emotions with her close friends and not me! Lord help!

Love Me Right! Swag Geeks & Brook Penning!!

Monday, Feb 22, 2016:

I love her Ginger Snatch! What a crazy weekend. Before that an amazing Thursday night (2/18/2016) filled with dinner and events and a first date I will never forget. We went to Mexican, then the Pride Mixer, then the Queering Happy Hour, then the Broadway Drag show. What an amazing night. The touches, the kisses. So great! Yes, I went home with her. Didn’t sleep at all and got in big trouble.

Then Friday, doctor, work, home, nap. J Saturday, Kisses in the park for a small window of time. Just divine. Then Heather, Movies, Gramma on the phone and horrible fighting again.

Sunday, Church. Heartbroken over her tears and Allyson crossing so many boundaries. Jenni is so concerned that this is exactly what happened last year. She doesn’t want to get hurt but she doesn’t want to put up any walls and miss any moments. I explained that if she wanted to call a time out, I totally understand. Then the checklist!!…show, dinner and sideways! Passionate honesty. I could not stop repeating that in my head all day Sunday!

Then my car. Then pack for an amazing date night. Before any words, there were kisses. Public kisses. Amazing example of her expectations and her feelings for me. Her confidence is so sexy. Her walk, her talk, her laugh. This must be love.

I have to get some work done. I hate I’m leaving town but it will be good for both of us. I just want her to trust me. I want her to believe every word and trust her heart. Her amazing heart.

Wednesday, February 24, 2016:

Love is jumping in without fear and putting actions before words. My heart hurts. I knew I was more invested than she but I saw the hope. Now I hear excuses. Tons of excuses. This could mean she wants separation before I’m gone for 10 days. This could mean that she is testing me to see if there will be something rekindled with AKB while on Vacation. I’m not sure. I do believe her that she feels her world changed last year. She says her heart is somewhere else. The problem is that her heart is with someone that is supposedly living in the other room from her ex. She cried over this on Sunday. But now, after this full moon. She’s made a decision to pump the breaks. Of course, it’s all about her and not me. I even volunteered to go get her and talk to her. Whatever she wants. I’m not going anywhere. I just told her “How amazing it would be to have all her heart! The tiny sliver that I see through the crack in the wall is mesmerizing, captivating. Journal Jenni and I have a lot to discuss about you. I will enjoy every moment you allow whether passionate or plutonic. Please trust in that, if nothing else. Wish the Jenni that kissed me in Ralstons would have stuck around a little longer. All the feels!!” She says, “I appreciate you. So much. Same Jenni”

So here we are. I’ve shed some tears but no regrets. I’m so grateful for everything. There is a reason for everything under the sun. There is a reason this all has happened in this particular order. Maybe it’s just for her to see her worth or for me to see mine. Doesn’t really matter. I wish I could capture her heart like this other girl has. Some deep spiritual connection, yet she lets Jenni be tormented, confused and free. I couldn’t, I didn’t. I knew what I wanted and it was her. Maybe I can’t have her. Maybe it is not meant to be. I need to be okay with that.

I feel so connected yet disconnected. She had a rough day. This other girl must have said something. Something changed. Kisses went from Ralston status to “mwah”. Nothing changed on my end. But definitely saw her unclean aura last night. J I felt the disconnection. We had a good time, but in the end the discussion went south quickly. Is she pushing me away out of fear or to just stay available for this other chick? I’m never going to know. The amount of bullsh*t she tried to feed me was nauseating. Went to friend zone so quickly after so much passion and honesty. I appreciate the newfound honesty and that she doesn’t want to hurt me. But that screams of something else deep inside. I can’t force anything. I can’t do anything but control my reaction. I hope by doing it in the right way that I can prove to her that if we need to be friends first and lovers second, she will ultimately pick me. But again, we are both on the rebound. But at least her last girl got several months with her. I could only be so lucky.

I want to believe she is telling me everything. Her words hurt me. Her putting the brakes on this early hurts me. But I need to be okay with it. My journey is not her journey. My thoughts are not her thoughts. My vulnerability was evident in our first discussion. My world changed just as her did 13 months ago. She’s still caught up and maybe I will be too in the next year. But I need to better myself and reach for what I need. I want to get on her page even more whether we’re together or apart. I want her to miss me. I want her to want me. More than that I want to love myself. I want to expect more from myself.

She says she doesn’t know how to date. She doesn’t want to hurt me. Her heart is somewhere else. So many excuses to put up a wall and block out all the good feelings. It’s really sad but maybe it’s not meant to be. Maybe she is over it already.

Sunday she said she didn’t want to miss any moments, but now it seems she’s put too much emphasis on these moments or maybe I am. She’s conflicted and I’ll be patient. So patient. So supportive. So encouraging. Whatever she needs.

Thursday, March 17, 2016:

Wellllll. Cancun happened. We will not rehash that except to say that she spent a lot of time texting and talking with me. Especially when she was home sick with her knee or stye or whatever. That was really special. We seemed to connect deeper while I was gone. Then I came back on Monday and we had plans to date on Tuesday. However, she happened to be at rehearsal in Lawrence and I was basically across the street. So we were able to connect physically and emotionally on Monday. I danced around and it was amazing. The feelings were all still there. I loved it. I told her that she intoxicates me. “Babe...”

Then we had date night. She was a little distant but it was still a great time. She was getting texts or emails from work or this other person. She wouldn’t check them. Odd feeling. Then after rehearsal on Thursday, she came to surprise me at Pepper’s. We watched Karaoke and had a wonderful time. Then we made plans for Saturday. All day Saturday. She first said noon, then she was ready at 10am.

We were going to look at my apartment but it wasn’t ready. So she asked if I wanted to go look at my car. That took forever and we invented a new cuss word from the salesmen’s names. JordanLutherPete! We had so much fun. We went to Kohl’s and she got a ton of new shirts. She was so happy to fit into an XL. I was so happy to see her happy and just BE with her. I love running errands on the weekend. We had lunch AND dinner together. I was still trying to get her to vocalize her feelings or something about her that she hadn’t shared. It’s like pulling teeth sometimes. She said that in previous relationships her opinion wasn’t valued and she learned to bottle up everything. Then at other times she shares her doubts and apprehension. I will attempt to document that here however I did not respond to her regarding these messages.

So the messages are gone. I really wanted to read them again sorta. She mentioned that she was Angry she had apprehension due to her past. She was irritated that her risk management brain is on overload. She is sorry she is not 100% available but she can’t rush that. She believes me when I say you’d/we’d be okay if this doesn’t work out. She said she is still friends with Shannon so she knows it can work. Blah blah blah. Again, the doubts, excuses and preparing to let me down. Then she ran into a meeting. So I chose not to respond. Then she said she was out of the meeting and I just kept the conversation light. I was actually sitting in my car trying to process what this meant to me.

I don’t need her. I want her. I want more of her. But I need to be okay if she is done with me early or often. When we are together, it’s an amazing and fun time. I want her to get back to that but I can’t keep reassuring her that this is a good thing.

Sunday we had our first rehearsal (I’m stage managing her play, all the 10 minute plays now) then went to Dos’s birthday party and had a great time. It was great for my close friends to see us together. Someone asked if we were coupled up and we both responded that we were dating and taking it slow. Jenni actually said we were “working on it.” Again, a little hope. Andy took a picture of us but chose not to post it on Social Media-I’m sure out of respect for Allyson’s feelings. He did send the picture to both of us the next day.

Then this Tuesday we had rehearsal again, but her son was there. It was fine. I really tried to get points with Zion thinking that would help my case. Sneaky but I do like him. What a cool kid, with a cool mom. So we had to keep it PC and say goodbye awkwardly. She did apologize directly to me about her being crazy. I think I understood what she was referring to. It was nice. So here we are. Haven’t seen her in a few days. Haven’t kissed her since Sunday and its all fine. I’m trying to focus on bettering my MBS and not depend on connecting to hers. I think she will respect me more for being independent and I really do want her to miss me. I don’t want to always be the one reaching or appear weak.

She did bring up our different love languages and confirm that mine is Words of Affirmation. Hers is physical touch. So I am constantly trying to give her the words and she is constantly trying to give me the touch. It is a crazy dance. I love all the touches but without the words behind it, I start having doubts. I hate the thoughts that pop into my head and I won’t write them here.

I am really trying to manifest only good things and stay positive. I want to get back to my Bible. I felt so energized yesterday! I want to take care of myself and realize my freedom in NOT having a dedicated girlfriend. I can leave my options open and I teased her that she was teaching me this after her doubt messages. I just don’t want her to keep me around for the good attention or because I like her. Sometimes I feel like that is the case. But in the end, no one can love me like I love me. I need to remember that and do whatever I want to do to retain my JOY with or without her!

So I think you are all caught up on me. A few more things. My car was sold (future Buick Regal we test drove) after Jenni and I walked out. Not meant to be. My apartment is not ready. Allyson is stealing and refusing to give me some things. Steering Committee is now partnering with Pride regarding a community center. I have rehearsal every night next week at Indy Fringe. Until next time…

Thursday, April 7, 2016

Seven weeks today since our first, official date. She has definitely changed her tune about me. I see more and more signs of hope each day. We purposely make time for each other no matter how short. She is so busy. She is directing a play. She is in a new play that opens this weekend. She has obligations to friends, family and her son, Zion, of course. But she stays in touch throughout the day. She is often the first one to text in the morning and last in the evening. She lets me know her schedule and when she is available. She won’t invite herself to my house but very receptive when I do. She has actually stayed with me twice without having a bag packed. Just needed to borrow underwear. I made her dinner (did I mention she is a vegetarian!) of Eggplant Parmesan. It was amazing. Then she was off the next day to help BR high school with a project. So I told her to come stay with me. She didn’t think it was starting until 10am but it really started at 10 minutes to 7am. She decided to stay overnight anyway. J Then she left me such a sweet and simple card. “I like-like you. Like, like a lot! J Jenni.” Knowing her history about not sharing and all of her fear about “us”, this was HUGE to me! Also a big step for her. We also ordered tickets to a Broadway show that night and she posted that publicly on her FB page AND tagged me! That’s also another huge sign that is really getting more invested in making “us” a reality. This all may sound foolish, but I wasn’t sure we were going to get here. I just re-read all of this and am still so grateful for where we have come to.

After rehearsal it was very late. I offered all kinds of things to help her get the rest she needed and then acted on them. Bubble bath, sleepy time tea, melatonin – whatever she needed. (Found out later that she cried about this and told her sister and her sister cried because she was so happy for her!) It was wonderful and she was and is so grateful for me in her life. I feel special and love making her feel special. She’s been through a lot. Married for years and unappreciated by a man. Then married to Casey for 6 years. Then random, short relationships often built after the Vagina Monologues. Her positive energy is amazing. She is an energizer bunny just like me. We go and go and go and go. I love every minute she allows me to adore her and I’ve told her so. She is spending so much free time with me that I know she is invested more than she was. It’s so refreshing. I appreciate whatever this is and so does she. She is trying to stay in the moments and enjoy the moments and we both are, very much. What a great feeling.

I forgot to say that she is going to Florida with me for Papa’s 90^th birthday. That’s HUGE! I think that was really the turning point. I also bought her tickets to meet Dudley in TN (a rescued cow). I wasn’t expecting to go and just wanted her to have the tickets and help cross something off her bucket list for her birthday. She was just worried if Zion would be okay with me going. Well at rehearsal the next Tuesday after Easter, he actually asked if I was going. I told him that I wasn’t inviting myself and the tickets were for her to do whatever she wanted. He said he would work on it for me basically. It was so cute. So the next day she asked me to go and now we have all kinds of plans. Dudley then Coyote Ugly in Nashville! I’m so excited to spend her birthday with her and then the next weekend we are in FLORIDA! WOW! HUGE, RIGHT?

Her sister is actually on her way right now to deliver an essential oil Diffuser to help me stop snoring at night. Yes, that was an issue. I now sleep all propped up so that Jenni can sleep when she stays over. It’s helping but this is supposed to help even more. Plus her sister is a distributor, so I basically just made her money too. I haven’t met her sister yet, but she has heard of me. She is actually going to meet Dudley with us then watching Zion so we can go dancing!

Tuesday, April 12, 2016

Another amazing weekend, best one yet! They just keep getting better. Friday, her opening night after she received Flowers at work (Huge and snap dragons and Gerber Daisies). I met her around 430p at a Victims thingy (like 5 mins!) in Fountain Square, then we went to her house so she could pack and we could make out (her idea!). Then we met Jan and Kat at Jockamos for dinner before the show. All spontaneous and amazing times together. She did great in her show and I smiled so big. So proud for her! She had shows all weekend and so did I (3pm both days). But I was able to make her breakfast Saturday before she had to leave. She went to her meeting at 10am instead of 8am. We were up late. ;) Saturday night after her show, I was really drunk and tipsy. She just said she wanted to catch up to me. I really don’t remember going to bed. J Also, we skipped church Sunday and went to breakfast at Ruth’s. Then we spent almost 3 hours getting to know each other with deep questions (we only got to two questions-she wants me to get the app with the questions so we can continue to get to know each other). She shared so much of her hurts that she cried often. But opened her heart to me and honestly shared how she is unpacking and working on herself. It was amazing. I was afraid she would be crying on the way to her show but she wasn’t. Her friends noticed something was different in a good way. She just said she spent some amazing few hours talking with me. They were all so happy for her! They all think I am very sweet. They keep inviting me to the Cast Party which is this Friday (really late-after the show!) Should be lots of fun! I think we both look at each other with love and keep saying everything BUT I love you. Sunday after her matinee she made me dinner. Then we came to my house. Sat on the couch enjoying the silence with each other. Then decided to get a log for the fireplace and get a little romantic. I can’t believe how great it was just accepting and receiving heart beats from one another. Like I said, a great great great weekend.

She posted something the other day about how “we started slowly, deliberately…like it meant something.” Again, hope for us. I told her last night about how I’ve seen her slowly get closer and open up more and more. I told her it was a huge compliment to me. That it meant that I mattered and we mattered. She said you matter so much babe. She said at one point “hey…” “I miss you”. Means so much from where she came from. I sent her some kisses today in a text and she said “mmmmmmmmmm Miss those kisses so much!”

Just all good feelings. I sent her a song yesterday “You Got Me” by Colbie Calliat. It does talk about love but mainly about how it feels so good it must be love. She loved it and replied that it feels so so good.

Just a complete change. So patient and so loving. We talked about how it just feels comfortable and natural. We are just naturally sweet to each other.

Monday, May 2, 2016:

We’re sitting here working from home. Both super sick. She has strep. I am going to the doctor at 145p to see what’s wrong with me. Super bad sore throat. Haven’t written in almost 3 weeks. So much has happened. I will summarize. I was in Kansas the week of April 11. Got really really sick and had to go to the doctor. Then she picked me up so sweet at the airport with flowers and kisses. I felt so special and loved. It was really late. Saturday I had privately decided to go to the BB auditions in Ohio. Even though she had a play that night, she agreed to go with me! That was so much fun! Glad to cross it off my list! Susie and I helped with concessions and then watched the play again. Sunday we had tickets to Book of Mormon. Ran to the show, then went to Bakersfield for some more loving stares and free tequila. So much fun!! Then on the way home I sorta asked her if this meant we were being exclusive now. She said are you asking me to be your girlfriend? I said yes and asked again. She said she didn’t want to answer if she couldn’t look at me. A couple rounds of that and then on the balcony she said, “Ask me again.” It needed to be a moment. She made it a moment. It was amazing. It mattered to her and to me and came with all the romantic feelings that it should have!

Monday I decided to audition for “All Washed Up” (got the part of Janet) in Delphi. Tuesday JW came by after work and we hung out before Karate. Then we went to Speakeasy with Stacy and had an amazing time again. Later that night, we said “I love you” for the first time and it was beyond magical! So raw, so honest, so real. Never have I ever felt like this before.

Monday, July 18, 2016:

Still so in love and on the same page. Still feels unbelievably magically. I feel so grateful. So loved. Still in awe of her beauty, her heart, her love of life and… me. We have a business meeting to discuss our living together and setting some relationship goals. We have a trip planned to Hilton Head soon. She is in another play and going through rehearsals now. So proud of her. I’m interviewing for two internal positions and really hope to get one of them to level up around here.

We did go to TN, CO and Florida together and it was amazing. So many good memories. So many great experiences and moments we have shared. Tons of firsties. Too many to count. So many smiles and laughs. So much trust, respect and honesty. I couldn’t ask for a better partner or teammate. My heart still floods with so many emotions just writing about my love for her. I’m so proud of her. I’m so proud to be in a relationship with her. I don’t ever want to take it for granted.

Monday, March 13, 2017:

She is on a plan to Chicago right now. She has a conference in St. Louis this week. I miss her terribly already. We are still so in love and on the same page. We bought a cute little house November 2016 just like we planned. I can't wait to spend the rest of my life with her. It just feels magical.

Plenty of Fish Profile July 2013

This is a funny memory. My dating profile on Plenty of Fish July 17, 2013. Just more history and transparency. I'm not scared. :)

(EDIT #2) My name is Eve. I have an older brother named Adam. (You may laugh. J) I am not really from anywhere since we grew up as Military brats although I was born in Florida. My father was an Army Blackhawk pilot. My stepfather was an Army diesel mechanic. I have lived on several Army bases and been to Germany twice. I am blessed to have traveled to many places here and abroad. I enjoy traveling each year to my friends and family as well as special vacations with my grandmother. I have family all over the US including Denver, Washington, Tennessee, Florida, Nevada and Texas. I have no family in Indiana and I am not from here. I ended up here 6.5 years ago for a relationship and a new job. I was a teacher for two years in Memphis, TN. I graduated college in Chattanooga. I have a BS in Interdisciplinary Studies (El. Ed.) I tend to be overly confident and a know-it-all at times but overly trusting and considerate. I would do anything for any of my friends night or day. I have the gift of encouragement and will support everyone to stay motivated towards their dreams and life goals. I have a lot of clichés in my back pocket at all times. Overall its God, Family, Friends and then work for me.

That’s more my bio and resume I guess. But I’m sure you want to know what makes me tick. Well, I enjoy social outings and new experiences outside my travels. I like trying new restaurants and will normally order their specialty to see if I agree. I enjoy going to see movies on opening day if it is worthy of the expense. Movies are either theatre worthy or I wait for the DVD. I don’t like to sit still and normally don’t watch much TV. I make sure that I don’t miss The Soup, Chelsea Lately and CBS Big Brother. Other than that, I like short well-written sitcoms during the regular TV season if they catch my interest. I don’t read many books or watch much horror, sci-fi or fantasy. However I did grow up with Star Trek and have enjoyed the new revamp in theatres. Online I enjoy CHIVE, Reditt, You Don’t Know Jack (trivia game). I also enjoy playing Buzztime trivia at Buffalo Wild Wings. I’m not much for time-consuming gaming or any game that feels like a second job. I did enjoy the XBox  Kinect, when I had it, for getting me off my butt at home. I spend most days on the computer at work so I don’t want to continue to sit on a computer at home. Music is all over the board and I enjoy discovering new sounds on Pandora. I usually stick to Top-40 since that’s all I had growing up in Germany. I can usually pick out which songs will be hits from my SiriusXM before they are even on the radio here. I have most recently joined a playwright class and was in a play downtown in March in between skiing in Wisconsin and visiting Chicago briefly. I did take a much needed vacation the week of July 4 to Seattle, Lake Chelan (look it up!) and Denver. I did pretty well on the paddle board for a first timer! I enjoy the finer things in life like lamb dinners, sushi, wine, craft beers, and topical debates regarding recent news headlines. I also enjoy entertainment news and comedians in my daily life. I would love to be brave enough to go to perform at open mic night at Crackers. I’ve got tons of stories from my life and talk way too much sometimes. I can be very sarcastic and really go too far with it if I’m drinking or in a really good mood.

So, now that you know about me, I’m sure you are wondering why I’m here and what I’m looking for. There are a lot of projects in the world but I’m looking for a peacock. Confident, assertive, intelligent, cultured, open-minded, great sense of humor about themselves and life in general. Healthy, focused mindset and stable in all areas of their life: physical, mental, emotional, financial, psychological and spiritual. I don’t have any children. I don’t mind if you do. I’m hoping you have a good relationship with your ex and your parents. I raised my little sister (half) until she was 4 years old so I feel like she is my daughter although she is 23 now. I’m closer to her than any of my family. I’m hoping you are positive and motivated to better yourself most days. I have a Christian background and would appreciate a general respect for those morals and ethics although I don’t attend church. Please have manners, good grammar and consideration for everyday people no matter what your mood is. Please don’t have anger issues, alcohol or drug or porn addictions. If you notice I don’t focus on the physical appearance much. I would rather fall in love with your mind than your body although physical attraction is important to both of us. Sometimes all it takes is a kiss to know if the physical connection is there or not. In the end, we’ll need to know how to talk to each other and look in each other’s eyes forever. I will tell you that your eyes and your body type will say a lot about you. I tend to be attractive to muscular cowboys or mountain men with beards for some reason. I’m a tall, curvy woman and would like to be wrapped up in a hug or cuddling session. Communication and touch are highly important to my love language. If you’re not talking to me about your day then at least be holding my hand or touching my leg while your distracted. Trust is built over time but the chemistry usually shows up immediately. It either feels right to both or it doesn’t. That needs to be communicated swiftly and honestly. I understand that loving someone is wanting their happiness over your own. I look forward to discovering meaningful little ways to make you laugh or smile. I hope you consistently do the same for me while supporting my goals and dreams. Ultimately, I need a best friend and confidant that enjoys what life has to offer.

------Yes, I was actively seeking a man at the time after failed relationships with women.

Three women, three years each. - September 28, 2012

Let's go back again. September 28, 2012. She actually met with Allyson that night. Allyson would become my last wasted three years. Three women, three years each. All lesson's learned.

What had happened was…

She was drunk from visiting with a friend at a bar. She shouldn’t have driven home. I was not drunk and had just sat down from cleaning the house and floors. She proceeded to talk and talk and talk until she was sobbing and crumbled on the floor. She shared that she is afraid Brooklyn will forget her. Brooklyn is the little girl that she raised from zero to two years old with a crazy ex named Sara. Well she says that before when she would agree to go back to Sara, Sara kept Brooklyn from her for a year because she was mad. She is so afraid that is going to happen again. Evidently Sara wants Emily back and Emily is afraid if she doesn’t go back with her, she won’t get to see Brooklyn and it breaks her heart. I asked if Sara said that and she said no, but she knows that’s what’s coming. So I think her and Sara have maybe been flirting or discussing the option of getting back together. I knew she went to the Westside Wal-Mart for a reason; I’m not stupid. I think she met Sara out there.

More snot, more crying. She had 3 very strong Jack and Cokes and hasn’t really eaten much in the last few days. So she was really really drunk. She continued to talk about everything and babble on and on. I enjoyed listening to her thoughts. I knew she wouldn’t remember everything she said. She said she would never love anyone like she loved me. She kept going over her history with women and being hurt by her mom and her first girl love. She has such bitterness and abandonment issues. We knew that but she is not sure what to do now or what will happen to her now. She said she is so afraid of next April and what will happen to us when we move away from each other. I told her I couldn’t imagine living without her either. It’s true but it doesn’t mean that it’s not the right decision. I took care of her. We watched one tv show and had some of the special chicken she bought. Then I gave her a trashcan and a blanket on the couch and said good night. That’s when I tried to text you and ended up texting her.

So it sounds like she was really considering going back with Sara so that she could really give Brooklyn the life she deserves. She wants a kid so bad and loves Brooklyn so much. I kept telling her that all she can do is be there for Brooklyn but if they cut her off there is nothing she can do. She has to deal with the worst case scenario and plan accordingly; a whole lot easier to say than do. I knew she was motivated to cancel her auto debits to stupid shit and clean up her credit this week because of something. She never cared before and all of a sudden it was being done. Turns out it’s for Brooklyn and Sara. I have a really bad feeling that she is going to make a bad decision simply because she doesn’t want to lose Brooklyn in her life.

I told her I felt the same way about Heather (my little sister). Whenever I get really drunk like that I always end up talking about Heather and how much I wish for her to have a better life and blame myself when there really was nothing I can do.

She went back to not being able to say goodbye to her dad that Christmas that her mom packed everything and ran with her and her brother. She is so messed up. I told her that everyone is messed up. The daddy issues, the mom issues, the blame game. You must forgive and forget because there is nothing you can do about your past. You can only change the present to create the future. The energy and focus to help others is motivated by someone not helping you. Often times we forget to help ourselves because it’s easier to fix someone else and focus on other’s issues rather than our own.

So I don’t know what’s going to happen now. We’ve been spending a lot of time together and have been so nice and sweet to each other. Last night was really weird and I’m not sure what to think or what to do next. She hasn’t mentioned the text I sent but she did give me a really long hug and thank me for taking care of her last night. I’m not sure how much she remembers. So I guess we shall see what will shake out of this. She just emailed me that she may go home because she is so nauseated. Ha! I bet.

She keeps feeling pukey but never puking. She still hasn’t eaten yet.

Anyway, I need your thoughts and comments ma’am. I have a really strange feeling that she is going to move out before April. I think I can deal with that but it makes me really sad. But it may be best. We are just going to fall in love with each other again if we keep living together. I care for her so much and I know she loves me.

She’s so sorry for all the stupid shit she has done to all of her exes. That’s why she is in the mess she is in now. Her words. She feels bad for keeping Allison (her ex that she met her at the bar last night) from seeing her exes kids – she knows she was stupid and young – says they were just kids and Allison loved them so much. They are now almost grown I guess. She has bitterness, guilt, hurt, trust issues and a lack of general hope and faith in her own life.

Must get back to work…

Write when you can…

Remind me to try to document the story of Allison and Nikki – Emily’s exes that she went back and forth with until they ended up getting together and are still together to this day 4 years later.

Young, Stupid, Love - July 22, 2010

Now we really are going backwards - July 22, 2010. Emily and I just started dating. Odd to look back from the break up to this. Not deleting anything. Just historical.

Well at that time I was a year ahead of Kimmie and graduated and chose Memphis. She would never commit to Memphis and we continued to see each other as much as possible. But keep in mind I was still in the Christian culture. We were still hiding all this from everyone, even our families. They knew we were best friends. that was it. We hid it from everyone for so many years. Melissa didn't even know. Buddy would joke that we acted like we were married cuz we fought over stupid shit all the time. But it never came out. Because of the culture and the shunning of all things gay in our school, I think they knew we were a lil too close. We didn't even live together. Cory had moved down in Feb my first year of teaching. That threw a huge wrench in everything. Cory didn't even know that Kimmie and I were anything. She came the weekend of Valentines and I was leaving town for a big weekend in Nashville with Kimmie and couldn't even tell her. Kimmie came to teach in Memphis too. The school actually wanted her more than me when I was interviewing. Lies and hiding for years. Then we decided we had to stop and we dated guys. Off and on and off and on until Marcus. Then Deanna. There's some huge hurtful gaps with my teaching and my job in Memphis but don't wanna go there right now. I just want you to know that all these things created the person I am today. The person you love. And after going through all this and being who I am I still can't believe that you love me like you do. i feel so unworthy, ugly, stupid, bitchy and different that no one could love me. I don't think I ever knew what love could really feel like until you loved me. I feel so lucky to have you. I feel so sexy and beautiful when you look at me. My self esteem is awful and I feel so awkward all the time compared to the world. My cocky confidence and stupid defensive humor is what I use to get passed that. It works. I don't know how but it works. You make me wanna be more of myself and more free than I have ever felt before. If I could have lived out loud and proud when I was your age, I'm sure I would act and dress just like you do. You are a small sliver of what I could have become. I admire you so much for being who you are. I know some of it is hiding the real you. I know you are a beautiful flower that is still trying to find the perfect place to bloom. I just want to water you and protect you from harm and help you grow btr and btr every day. I want to take care of you and show you all the love that I've stored up for you all my life. I know how to give love to another person because I know what was missing from my childhood, just like you do. I know what love is and isn't after all my struggles. I know who my real friends are and who they aren't. I know who is being real and who is being fake. I know and love how real you are and how much more real you are being with me everyday. I want you to be able to tell me anything and everything that you think at any moment. There shouldn't be anything that we keep from each other or anything that we can't talk about. I know that communication and trust are the cornerstones of any relationship and I never wanna be too far off your page in your heart or mind. I love you so much Emily. Just like you, these words don't' say it well enough. I dream about the future with you and it makes me just want it all right now. I want that next step and I'm so excited to start up the life stairs with you and your hand in mine. I just feel like we can do anything baby. It amazes me how we fit together so FUCKING GOOD! I just always think, where have you been all my life? But we both had things to go through and choices to make. We still do. But I don't wanna do it with anyone else. Deanna was a rebound and I had to get away from Kimmie and Memphis for so many reasons. I was always wondering about what would happen next and she wanted to move so fast. I just knew that she wasn't the one. So I started looking for an out in anyone. Fun Party Deanna was gone and she became more like a demanding strict mom that controlled my every move. I hated it. I hated being told what I could and couldn't do. And on top of that, not being love properly in any way shape or form. I knew I deserved more. I knew it was out there. And I was too busy looking over your head to know it was you all along. I never knew that we could be this amazing. I never knew that we would kiss so good, make love so sweet n sexy, squeeze each other so perfectly like puzzle pieces, laugh or smile so much that it hurts. I just didn't know baby. I just couldn't believe that we would be anything but a flirt and sex one time. I was on the hunt for a family man and kids and marriage cuz I knew I was getting older. It wasn't because of anything else. I was so sad that my dad didn't get to walk me down the aisle. That he couldn't hold my children. I didn't give him and have any of those special father daughter moments. It still hurts. I just wanted him to be proud of me. I felt as a teacher he was proud but bc of JoAnn, they never came to my school or saw my classroom or met my kids. It hurt but I know it was her and not him. He loved her and did whatever to make her happy and never rocked the boat. I get it. It's fine but I guess I still want him to be proud of what me and you have too. Even if he hadn't died, I would have introduced you to him just like I did to JoAnn. I'm so proud of my PYT. My close family and friends need to know. Because of all the harshness in college over the possible gayness....that's why I didn't put your name on my Facebook. I just don't want anyone to think back to Becky and I and say they knew all along or some shit. Its just a stigma that I need to get over. But it was a very hard time in my life as a freshman in college and really had an affect on me coming out or not. I hope you understand that and it makes some kind of sense. I hope you know I have never introduced anyone ANYONE as my girlfriend. Just you doll. You are so important to me and I want you to know that everyday in everything I say and do. It's me and you baby and I love love love love love love love love love love love love it. I don't want anyone else. I don't wanna search any more. I'm so good on that. It's you and you got all me. Your love amazes me. I've never felt like this before. I miss you so much and can't wait to come back to your arms. You are my one and only, my best friend, my partner in crime, MY EVERYTHING! I cannot wait to make it official and take that sexy ass off the market for good! I just wanna stamp my name all over you like a fuckin Gucci purse! MINE MINE MINE MINE MINE MINE I would do anything and everything to keep you happy and keep you coming back for more and more Swexiness! LOL

I bet you are so sleepy and tipsy now. Webcam NOW! I have to see you baby! I can't stand it anymore! We have to go to bed soon!!

Thanks for sharing your heart with me baby. I'll always take care of it...forever and ever. I love you with my everything. Please never forget that.

---cue the wasted 3 years. HA!

Another Wasted 3 Years - January 8, 2013

January 8, 2013 - Another year, another break up.

Seriously, I have to figure out why I can’t get passed this. I did the same thing. I shunned her for weeks and went and did whatever I wanted to do without a care in the world. She has finally found her wings and was able to cut the cord to me. I believe it is only in getting closer to this one other person regardless of whether anything is going on or not. I’m really happy for her – a lot happier than she was with me when she found out I was talking to several people. She really knew then that it was over. Then I think we started flirting about sex with the ex. And it happened. We went to Lynchburg and had a decent time. No talking about getting back together then or next week. Then she took me to the airport and we were flirting, dating, whatnot. Monday night when she picked me up – I could tell everything had changed and I freaked out about some of her comments and revelations. Fixed it so that we could have a decent Christmas. She was annoyed all of Christmas with me and trying to start a bad fight. Well she did. More lies, more confusion, more hatred than before. Sunday never came home. All downhill from there. So why can’t I get passed this? I was fine before but if I was fine, it was because I was happy with my freedom and attempting to distract myself with guys. Now I am more worried about where to live than having a relationship. I think that’s what I am anxious about. The step into the unknown. It’s so exciting and scary at the same time. I knew it was over a long time ago. I tried to move on then and just kept getting caught back up. Both of us just needed an out and she found hers finally. Looking back at 2011 and 2012 – it’s always been rocky. It’s always been back and forth, off and on. I bitch about the same things and she bitches about the same things. Nothing ever changed and nothing was ever going to change. So I stepped and she was fine. Now she stepped and I’m not fine. I think it was just the way that it all went down and all the lies all of a sudden. I’ve got to get passed it. I’m sure she feels guilty and knows that she really did me wrong but leading her on was wrong of me too. We haven’t been on the same page for so long. I don’t know why I’m acting like today is any different. It’s really not any different than it was before except that I cannot stop thinking about it. I have to remember that I realized she was not good enough for me and was poisoning me inside and out. She changed me for the worse. I changed her for the better – so much better. I did tell her to get her stuff and get out but that is because she did the worst thing she could have done. It’s almost like she sabotaged the whole situation so that I would be so mad at her. But honestly, she is just making choices for herself. She says she is depressed and in pain. I know she is depressed. I know she will never be happy and I know why. She is damaged and can’t get past the past damage and believe in herself. I tried to encourage her and so have people here.

-----Emily was my rebound and comfortable distraction after my ex cheated on me while my dad was dying. She was really young, possessive, jealous and a pill popper. She was a pound puppy that I tried to rescue but she didn't love herself enough yet to know what love was. She was a project and not a peacock.

Independence versus Stuck 10/3/2013

I'm going to catalog old messages for historical purposes. This one is from 10/3/2013:

My dearest and oldest friend, the only one that I can truly tell all my secrets to and she don’t give a shit. Like the honey badger. I do what I want when I want how I want. In true Gemini fashion with a Pisces moon, I have 4 individual personalities inside me that wish  to assert their opinions into every choice I make. Regardless of the choice, fate still plays a part. My work hard play harder sides are always warring. But my need for closeness yet independence is the worst war to wage internally.

You see I am still in limbo. My PC is still broke. I still live with a woman and her three children that she gets 50% of the week. My things are still mostly in boxes in her unlocked garage. She is quite the flighty bitch and doesn’t remember things or lock her door very often. She has a fairly new boyfriend that she is madly in love with. He is over often with his old dog Maggie. Not to be confused with my old cat Maddie. They are having a pissing contest in my tiny pink room that I stole from one of the tiny daughters.

Moving on…July there was Brandon. Brandon was on a rebound and did not want my body. We continued to date. I went to the Memphis Wedding alone even though Emily wanted to come with me. At that point, I explained to her that there was no positive benefit to have her in my life. And that was that. We haven’t really spoken since. Then there was golf and lots of hanging out with Allyson and Nikki. I had nothing else to do and spent lots of time with them. Brandon and I ended up camping with them around the first of August. It was very awkward. Brandon and I slept in the same tent but there was no sex. Allyson kept finding reasons to get alone with me and sent me a text saying “You blow my mind.” I was like WTH?! What are you trying to say? Brandon smoking and drinking most of the weekend since he had a custody case on Monday am with his little boy. I did not speak to him after Monday. Also Monday, a tiny Asian lady delivered me flowers. They were from Allyson hoping I had a good week at work. WTH? Blah blah blah…Up the petting ladder we went. I kept telling her it was “one and done” just as I did with Emily years ago. She wasn’t believing it and said she would keep knocking at my door. Then I went to Denver. Allyson took me to the airport that afternoon. At the same time, her girlfriend text her a picture of HER CAR in front of MY HOUSE! WTH!? Turns out Emily took the picture and sent it to Nikki. Did I mention that Allyson and Nikki are both EXES of Emily’s? No, well there you have it. While in Denver, Allyson missed me and we talked everyday. She ended up breaking up with her GF of 5 years and we have been dating. We went to TN and stayed in a fabulous cabin and had a fabulous time! Then I went to Key West. Now we are looking at a house to rent since we both need a place really really soon. I’m torn. I’m happy. I’m having doubts. I want to run and be independent but its obvious she loves me. I never had to doubt it. Questions loom. I can’t find anything wrong with her. She’s a high roller, a loan-shark, a well-known dealer of many party favors, a behavioral facilitator, educated, intelligent, kind, funny, tons of friends, a PLANNER and loves to travel. She has lots of money, lots of future goals. So why not at least give it a try for a year? Right? I can see no reason why not. I need to be more goal-oriented. I need to save money. I need to go back to school (applied for my MA-Ed this week!). I need to get stable again! LIMBO SUCKS!

Yes, I could move and start all over with Denver or Chattanooga but why? No job there. No money there. No friends there. Must be patient. Must focus on stability right now.

I think you are caught up. Please provide feedback. I’m happy but I’m afraid I’m signing up to be stuck again. So no more dating, no more independence. Thoughts? 

---Allyson and I bought a house Oct 23. I was stuck in a codependent, verbally abusive relationship for 3 years. I tried to break up with her over a dozen times. It was always easier to pretend things were fine and make plans to leave while saving money. I finally broke free Feb 15 2016. Best decision of my life.