2020 Came and Went and Left us Changed

136,284,991 Global Cases 

31,230,227 US Cases 

2,940,601 Global Deaths 

562,341 US Deaths (including my Uncle, Bryan Fonseca, and so many other friends and family)

Marion, Indiana, US:

Cases: 95,509

Deaths: 1,706

I wish I would have kept up on my blog but I did keep up with my journal. So I have a little bit of a record. But, man, this year! So much changed. I changed. My family changed. 

We are coming out of it, but cases are rising again. It's not over. The vaccines are here, but we are still learning about the pandemic, the cause, the long COVID sufferers. My doctor thinks I may have had COVID last January when I was diagnosed with pneumonia. It took me so long to get through that and get over the fatigue. I would have good days and bad days. I would think I'm better and then do too much and go down again. I'm so glad I never got hospitalized from it. I do have an elevated asthma med now that includes steroids and is probably not helping my mood swings.

Speaking of mood swings, I've been so sad. So sad about all that we lost in this last year. So sad about Zion, my job, my relationship, myself. I go from sad to angry mostly. Thankfully, I'm learning from my Coaching classes some brain-based techniques to help me through some bad moments. I'm in control of my thoughts and my thoughts dictate my feelings. I also have a therapy appointment at 4pm today. I haven't been to therapy in so long. I hope it helps to get some of my thoughts out and process them with an outside party.

I finally got to talk to Jenni about Zion's recent decision (to move in with his father) Saturday. But I feel like I made it all about me again; my need for attention and affection. My need for achievement and control. Rather than listening and understanding her current predicament, I just dumped all my feelings on her. Sure, it was great to get all of that out of me, but I know parts of it were hurtful and weren't helpful or encouraging to her current personal struggle. It wasn't fair, but it needed to be said. I just need to be able to process it before I pile on all the things I think she may be doing wrong. She is hurting and I need to be more emotionally aware of the other person and not so selfish.

Same thing with Zion on January 6, I was triggered and piled on all that he was doing wrong while I was in all of my feelings, and needing to over-control things, when he was already in a fragile place. I know part of me drove him away and I can't process that shame and guilt now. I don't even get another shot to talk to him and share what a jerk I was. I can't even apologize to his face. I've sent an email and a text, but that's all. No response. All of it was true and I had been feeling it for awhile, but it was too much too fast. He was already dealing with whatever and then had to deal with me and my emotional outburst. It was immature and childish. I was super irritable because I quit drinking cold turkey on January 1 and hid the alcohol from myself and everybody. Problem is I didn't tell anyone that I was planning on NOT drinking and didn't fully understand what it would do to by body or mind. Also, the Capitol Riot and how out of control my country was didn't help my thought processes. That most likely made me want to control my personal life even more as a trauma response to what I had just witnessed.

Now I have to let go of ever being his step-parent. I pushed too hard and now he's gone. I will never be a parent and I have to live with that for the rest of my life. Who knows what will come of it, but I have to let go of any expectations of having a meaningful relationship with him in order to move passed this for myself. It hurts too much not to have closure with him around this incident. It doesn't change how I feel about him, but it is not something that I can carry forward. We had some really great memories. He's such a great kid and is going to do great things with his life once he gets passed his hurt. I hope therapy helps him too. I can't wait to see the man he grows into. I hope I'm able to witness that at least.

There is so much I just can't change about my past. I've been through a lot too, just like Zion is going through now. Rather than leaning into those stories to help him, I laid down more boundaries and expectations. I just need to work on myself and move forward. I'm better than I was and I'm learning more about myself everyday. Sometimes I feel like a bad friend, bad partner, and a bad coworker, but I can only learn from those moments. I've started a nighttime journal in order to capture these learning moments and what I could have done better. Reflection is growth. But changed behavior is the best gift I could give anyone.

So that's all I can do. Stay in the moment. Learn why I need so much attention and why I have such a strong desire for achievements. I hope I can explore this with my therapist. I hope this one sticks and I don't have to go searching again. But we shall see.

I miss events. I miss my friends. I miss a full schedule. I miss restaurants. I miss my family. Without distractions, I have to face my problems head on and I'm not doing well doing that, am I? I have my second vaccine on Friday. I really hope I don't have any adverse effects from it. I have two meetings with InterPride on Saturday, April 17.

I'm really trying to figure out what I want to do with my life. That's the whole reason I dove into the coaching work so quickly. I think I would really enjoy working on my own stuff and doing group coaching for folks. I have another coaching course to try out tomorrow night with "In It Together Coaching" based in VIA Character Strengths. I need to see if I have any prework to do. That might be a good idea! 

It's been great meal prepping and meal planning with Jenni. I think it is really going to help us lose weight and stay more active. We just have to stick to it. I am really enjoying my new weights and getting stronger. We just have to stay healthy and well. I don't ever want to think about losing Jenni. She's the best thing that I found in this State.

I did a doodle of a web of all my identities so I could organize myself and also maybe decide on what is worth keeping. I'm looking at it now: InterPride, Governance Co-Chair, Region 4 Rep, USAP, Indy Pride, Project Manager, Product Development, IA Sales, and my personal self. I haven't let go of any of them, and I'm making positive moves in some areas and I'm honestly doing poorly with others due to frustration or lack of interest. 

IA has suffered this past year. I'm still under a salary cut and I'm in sales - which feels inauthentic to what I really wanted to do. But maybe this is where I will stay and where I will thrive. Who knows? Until I decide to make a move, I don't think Barry will cut me. He sees my value, but he's really not utilizing me in the best way. I've told him I have recruiters looking at me. Maybe that wasn't smart, but I need to know what's next. If he doesn't have a plan for me, then I need to make a plan for myself.

Same with all this volunteer stuff. Is it serving me or am I really working for free and wasting my time trying to add value and contribute to something that really doesn't match my values? I need to figure that out. I've been thinking a lot about weighing things against my values, but I've been working with my "right now" values rather than my life values. So I still need to do some discovery in that area.

Time for therapy! Will process more later. Thanks for the random journaling. 

April Fool's Day is Canceled!

US Numbers as of 3:50pm on 4/1/2020: 203,608 infections and 4,476 deaths. 1,139 in NY alone. But again, we have to remember that they aren't testing everyone. Some of my friends have been sent home presumptive positive. Never heard those words in my life. Yes, they have bad symptoms but they don't warrant hospitalization, so they don't get a test. Therefore, they don't have to tell folks that they may have been infected because they just don't know. So many stories like this. But here we are. No one is laughing. Florida finally shut down. No April Fool's joke can compare to real life right now. Everyone is scared and guess what trump is talking about? His ratings. Yeah, the rating on his Coronavirus Task Force daily briefings! They are higher than Monday Night Football and Bachelor Finale. WTF!? He is really delusional. He is not the people's president. Folks are tuning in because they are SCARED and they need reassurance and guidance. They want information...let me correct that, CORRECT information! I still try to watch everyday. He is trying to read the statement as written but still ad libs. Then he tries to answer questions and sounds like a fool! He lies and covers up and doesn't take any blame for anything. It's appalling! I only watch to listen to Fauci and Dr. Birx to get the facts. We still try to catch Cuomo's briefing, but we are still trying to be productive at work as well. They are talking about having more guidelines for masks and their daily use. Turns out the countries that have culture norms for wearing masks already have fared better in the numbers of infections. Of course, we still don't know if the numbers that China gave us were accurate. That's even more frightening since it started there. Italy and Spain are going through it now. UKs Boris Johnson has tested positive and he's one of those that wanted to wait it out and ride the wave. Crazy! So here we are. Quarantined, Day 18 I think. All the days are running together. We stay up late watching TV. Then scroll our phones to wake up in the morning. Then we work off and on. I finally cleaned the floors today. It was soooo bad. So much dirt. I brought up the new cheerful rug from the basement. Stella is happy to get the peacock rug downstairs, too. She keeps rolling around on it. I'm cleaning the rugs and towels. Again, just trying to get stuff done. I finally found a few things I was missing when we were cleaning up the yard last weekend. I found my lighthouses and my winter cover for the car! They were in the shed! I can't wait to tear down that other shed. We have to clean that out as well. So much stuff in there to organize. We need to prepare the garden beds. Tons of projects to keep us busy - I have a list. You know, folks are talking about how this isn't much different for them - staying at home. I can see that. I got so tired of being at home all the time, too, since I work from home. So I created a schedule and a project list months ago. It kept me from going crazy or sitting down too much. So it does feel a little the same. Unfortunately for some, this is very different. They have no job. They are running out of food and money. Not sure how to pay their rent. Or, on the other side of the coin, they have a job still and are terrified to go into work everyday. Some of my friends are doctors and nurses. They aren't even allowed to talk about what's going on at the hospital. They don't have enough equipment and then they have to come home to their families and attempt to not get them sick. I can't even imagine. Some aren't even doctors and nurses, they work in a factory or a grocery store. Same fears. Same lack of protection. Some under so much stress and around sick people who may have been forced to come to work or they lose their jobs! So I have lots to be grateful for. But I continue to be concerned for myself and my family and friends. Who will be next? How many will we lose? Am I safe to go out? We are both scared. What will the future look like? How will this change the world? The light that is shining on the darkness places of our society must not be in vain. We must illuminate our essential workers and pay them a living wage and protect them. We must not forget or leave behind our marginalized communities. It's not about us. It's about them. It's about what we can do for the sick, the poor, the elderly, the infirmed. We must look for the helpers to be encouraged. We must use kindness in everyday interactions. We must stay connected to our humanity and each other.

2020 March 25 - Stimulus Package

March 25, 2020 10:17pm 68,572 COVID positive cases - 1031 deaths, 592 recovered Well, I thought the world changed last week. Totally different today. Senate finally passed a sorry stimulus package while Canada is giving every citizen $2000 every other week for 2 months! Jenni and I may not even qualify for this stimulus because we make too much money. My salary is being cut too. Yeah, my boss just announced to everyone that we have to accept a 30% pay cut across the board. Now he wants me to ask Carl if he will do it too. Carl only work 40 hours a month! Crazy. We watched the Rosie O'Donnell Broadway fundraiser. It was great. Lots of stars to raise money for the Actor's Fund. The Governor declared a state-wide shelter in place and a travel warning to "flatten the curve" in Indiana. Surrounding states have done the same. Several other states have not, especially Florida. Lots of Spring Breakers still celebrating their freedom from school. And since Mardi Gras happened recently, New Orleans is suffering with COVID as well. We also canceled our Spring Break cabin trip. Luckily they will give us a voucher to use another time. But, damn, I'm bummed. Zion is no longer switching houses because his dad was still working at Flanner House until recently. School is now only eLearning for the rest of the year. The government may start using schools as emergency day cares. Speaking of Government, Fauci was missing from the press conference a few days ago and people lost their minds! #NoFauci was the #1 Trending subject on Twitter. Too funny. It just shows that we trust him a lot more than Trump. Trump cannot even just read a statement. He has to do the dumbest ad libbing I have ever heard with hyperbolic words and statements like "great", "best ever", "no one is testing more than we are", "we have the best test". Just lies and stupidity. He is so delusional that he just brags on himself and thinks he is better than everyone around him. He's clueless and showing that he was never prepared to be our President. Jenni and I went through a really sad time together this week. Friday the 13th was our last time out with folks besides visiting Jan/Lori. So it's only been 12 days locked in. Jenni has gone to the store a few times. We've gone outside a few times, too. They tried to reschedule my lung doctor for 6 weeks out. Since I needed X-rays, they told me to go ahead and come in. I was super careful and grateful that he saw me. They screened me with questions only when I arrived. But all three offices screened me. The symptoms have expanded - some even say a loss of taste and smell may be an early sign. But the key to the question was NEW. New in the last 14 days and have I been out of the country in the last 14 days. My buddy Gordie has it. He was on Day 5 of a scary hospitalization and isolation with experimental drugs. He was the first that I knew directly to get it. He lives in GA and we went to college together. He is actually the college pastor's son. Married to a wonderful man now and just adopted Isla Rose. He got to go home today, but they aren't telling Isla. He must be quarantined in the guest room for 14 days. He knows she won't understand that he cannot hug her. So he is alone still and we are all praying he doesn't relapse. So this is what it's like today. Everyone working from home. We had a virtual meet-up with some women last week. I met with the Indianapolis affiliates via JoinMe. We had a Virtual Cast Party for VDAY - only 15 joined. We have a Virtual Pitch-in this Saturday. We all just want connection and normalcy. I asked Jenni the stages of grief. We are all grieving what felt normal. I'm grieving how un-important I am to my immediate family. I had to reach out to all of them. No one asked how I was handling things. It's just sad. I really went through a full day where I thought I might die from COVID. I've been struggling to breathe since January's pneumonia. That's why I needed the lungs doctor. But people were also saying that folks with asthma can really suffer from this virus. I was really scared. I even managed to panic Cory since I never panic or worry about anything. I think I wrote to her about "my last days". She immediately video called me. My friends have always been my family. I just kept thinking how things would be completely different if I had a child/baby. They would all be crawling up my ass to talk to me. Then I thought, "what if I do die?". Would they even care? How would they find out? Would it even matter to them? Would they come to my funeral? Like so many others, I had gone to a very dark place. I rely on distractions. During this shut-down, I have no distractions. My mind just swirls and reels...reeling. Cory and I used to talk about reeling. It's like a tape/story you keep telling yourself and it replays over and over and over. It's normally not pleasant and generally not a good exercise. We start believing those stories and the truth and any good of the moments become shadowed. So that's where I went. We cried. We shared. And the next day I felt better. We are trying to have a normal routine. She has commandeered Zion's room as an office. She's in their now doing a Virtual Playreading - so odd to overhear and she sounds SO LOUD out here. I can't imagine what she sounds like to them if she is using a mic. From what I've gathered, it's a royal family and their is some feminism afoot, now there is something about a play and her character's narcissism. They started at 8:30pm. It's 10:48pm. Ruby and I played outside. She loved it. It's finally a beautiful day - 62 degrees. Wonderful night. I moved my powerful 10,000 lumen lights from under my trees. They were supposed to be shining up the tree trunk but they often shifted. Then they blinded those driving down the street or turning the corner. So I now have one shining on the front of the house. I then wanted to put one on the side of the house. These are our darkest spots and we need to show off the house. But the cord on the second one wouldn't go around the corner from the plug. Ugh. So I need to have another tactic for that one. Then we treated the hot tub and filled the bird feeder. Just doing the daily/weekly routine in an attempt to feel normal. Lately, we've been staying up late and getting up whenever to start work whenever. There is an air of "what does it matter in the end?". Obviously dangerous to productivity and we discussed that today on our long walk with Ruby around the park. She loved it. We all needed to get out of this house. You see, I'm the type of person that wishes to be hyper-aware during a crisis. For example, when the storms are bad outside, I want to watch the local news and see it coming. I want to be prepared to take action in the moment. The same with this virus. I've eased up a bit, but I have to watch the briefings. All of them. Trump, Facui, Cuomo, Holcomb and any others that have information. We are in crisis! No one knows when it will end. How it will end. How many will die. $1200 isn't much of a stimulus for some. It may pay one month's rent for some, but they will still watch their loved ones die because the nation didn't shut down and protect the vulnerable. We are learning who the real leaders are. Who the real heroes are. Who the essential workers are. The ones you are mean to and look down upon. The ones that aren't worthy to talk to or be respectful to. The ones that you don't think deserve a living wage. There was a joking meme today online: How much does it take for a Republican to believe in socialism? $1000. I'm so glad my lungs are clear. I'm really trying to protect this house and Jenni. We are staying away from everyone. Pizza and packages from friends are being left on the porch. We must stop helping this spread. The economy is not more important than a human life. Trump wants to open up the country (whatever that means) on Easter. He thinks it will be a beautiful day and perfect to celebrate. He's fucking crazy! He has no idea what Easter will look like for us. He knew about this mid-January. He stopped flights from China Feb 8 and wants to praise himself for that everyday. Then some Senators sold off their stock because they knew it was coming from top-secret intelligence reports! He continued to golf and said it would go away. There were only 15 sick and then those 15 were going to get well. LIES!!!! Lies from our President to protect his rich friends and try to save the stock market. We know exactly what's important to him. We know that hospitals are out of PPE. They are being asked to where hospital bandannas! Folks are making masking for them. We will be out of hospital beds soon. There are not enough ventilators for those that can't breath on their own. ICUs are filling up. Younger and younger folks are dying. A nurse just died at home with the 4-5 yr old and they didn't find the body until 12-16 hours later. This is what is important to us. Trump was asked by Peter Alexander, "What do you want to tell the Americans that are scared?" A layup question for him to assure the American people. He said, "I would tell them you are a terrible reporter. What a nasty question." CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT SHIT?!? So that's where we are today.

Waiting on the World to Change March 2020

This year will go down in infamy. The year 2020 where we all gained 20 pounds from being in quarantine. Last Friday was the last event we attended. It was the Agitators at the Phoenix Theater on the Brian Fonseca stage. Great show about the friendship between - well - here is the description: The Agitators tells of the enduring but tempestuous friendship of Susan B. Anthony and Frederick Douglass. Great allies? Yes. And at times, great adversaries. Young abolitionists when they met in Rochester in the 1840s, they were full of hopes, dreams and a common purpose. As they grew to become the cultural icons we know today, their movements collided and their friendship was severely tested. This is the story of that 45-year friendship - from its beginning in Rochester, through a Civil War and to the highest halls of government. They agitated the nation, they agitated each other and, in doing so, they helped shape the Constitution and the course of American history. Really amazing acting and versatile set. We were ushering. Jenni collected tickets and greeted as they arrived. I handed out Playbills to attendees. We were running short since we weren't going to print anymore. They were already limiting seating in the Basile theatre for Zhirkus Grimm. You were supposed to allow at least a seat between the next guest. Things were changing rapidly. The news from federal and local authorities just amplified the fear of uncertainty that we were all feeling. My best friend and I spoke when the coronavirus hit Washington state weeks before Indiana figured it out. We were on a live SnapChat stream together shopping Amazon for masks. She knew that N95 were the best. I found a pack of 10. She said to buy them. I didn't. I came back and they were gone. All masks were gone. This was most likely the second week in March. March 7, I met Jenni at the other Loco on Delaware before we went to her VDAY show. People were acting different but not much concern. We gathered and then went home. The next day was Jan/Lori's Open House. Then we had dinner at the Brew Pub. I kept joking to Gari that she was Patient Zero. She kept saying, "Fuck You, Eve." All good fun. That was probably the last time we hung out as a large group. I took Zion to go see Jan this past weekend. We were going out specifically for Pi Day, 3-14. We went to Greek's Pizzeria and Pots and Pans Pies. We had Apple Crumble and Orange Mango Meringe Pie. Both really well done. I will have to try their traditional crust soon. Before we ran errands, we stopped to see Jan and Lori's new house. Zion hadn't seen it yet. So they stopped Bombshell so that Jan could give Zion a proper tour. We chatted and we went on with our day. Granted it had snowed a bit and we probably shouldn't have been out, we want Pi day treats. So it was done properly. I fully believe that children remember memories when they are connected to dates and food. Ha! Anytime you can make something special for a child or teenager, I hope you do it. They may have more bad days than good that you don't know about. Consider giving them more good days. It's all about balance. So that was March 14. Cities were shutting down services. Theatre's canceled. School canceled Thursday evening March 12. They wouldn't return until April 6 after Spring Break. Today they announced that the whole state would shutter schools until May 1. Today is March 19. I know I'm jumping around, but St. Patrick's Day was barely a BLIP. I made some green beer and toasted folks on video. Social Distancing was just beginning. Stay away from folks - at least 6 feet. Don't go out if you don't need to. Restaurants and bars started closing in the city around this time. But still some people aren't taking it seriously. They don't understand that we are estimated to be just 11.5 days behind Italy. As of today, Italy just passed China in the body count. Their military is carrying bodies to other regions for cremation. Families can't say goodbye. They didn't know it would be this bad. As of right now, 737pm ET, the number of US cases is at 13,159 and 176 deaths. 68 in Washington. 108 recovered. I keep watching the numbers. Why do I watch them and also know that they are only going to increase with the amounts of tests there are. There are billions of us in American. How high will the number get before we "flatten the curve"? Fauci, who we all have trusted from the beginning!, is saying we won't know the affects of social distancing for two weeks. Thanks, Fauci, I was trying to take my wife out of town for the Spring Break week. I need some time off so badly. We were just going to a really nice tiny cabin in the words of the TN mountains. It sounded perfect. But every single plan I would have come up with for this time period (including the ISA conference in AZ and missing seeing gramma in CO!) would have been canceled, postponed, or delayed. We talked about Broadway in NYC with just Jenni and Zion. We talked about the Pizza Expo MONTHS ago in Vegas - postponed! All casinos are CLOSED! Yes, in VEGAS. All sports have stopped. Tom Hanks and his beloved wife have COVID! Idris Elba got it. Two congressman. My stepson's basketball coach personnel. It's coming. Where is it going to hit for us? I told Jenni last night. I just don't know when it's going to come for us. It's only been a few days. We've had takeout at Siam Square. We made some great meals, but it's only like officially - starting March 14 really - 5 days? Back in those days, the maximum group number was 250 for some places. Then it was max of 50. I told Jenni one day that Austria said no more than 5 people and joked that they were kicking the youngest kid out of large families. It feels different now. It's not funny anymore. The energy completely changed. My job that was on alert around March 9 (the VPO didn't think it was that bad). My boss knew. He had talked to folks. He was keenly aware of the tidal wave that was going to hit our company. Folks and large organization had already banned non-essential travel. Now they were canceling workshops. He tried to get ahead of it. It was almost too much for him. At least it felt that way. We've already got an estimate on when we may run out of cash if we don't right the ship - May 1. Scary to think of what will happen in the next few weeks. With the world and the work. Many people are realizing that they have been practicing quarantine since before it was cool. Some people are recognizing the needs of marginalized folks and the huge gaps in government knowledge and protection. Then we have debates happening without audiences. We have shifts in voting for state primaries. No one knows when normal might happen again. Then we begin to question what we thought was normal. What did we really take for granted? Time with our families? The technology that allows us to be free musicians and supporters during this time? I watched Matt Nathanson do a live concert. Heck, Anthony Hopkins was playing piano with his cat on video! They are bringing back the Rosie O'Donnell show! They are allowing some Broadway to be online. There are puppets online. 5-day virtual conferences on Budhism! We are trying to do a 2-day Virtual Conference. My boss is on some other planet right now. He is scared. I've seen him scared but he is really scared. He wants to be the leader we all wish he would be. So anyway, resources going online and neighbors and friends actually checking on your well-being. Like I said, it feels different. Today is way different from just 2-3 days ago. It's only March 19. St. Patrick's Day was a tiny distraction. Scream therapy last night was slightly helpful (I tried to collectively get people to go outside at 715pm and scream to release tension - not much traction), but the news is getting worse. I need to remember the good stories. I need to remember that the malaria drug may help folks. There are more recovering. Right now Wuhan, China doesn't have any NEW cases. That's a little comforting. They started with 1 in Nov. How many months is that? 3.5 months. That puts us at July 4. Are we going to be celebrating then? Pastor Frank is still having church! TN didn't declare a State of Emergency or Disaster....yet. Texas was late to the game too. NPR guy said that we are going to look back on history and wonder who did it correctly. What state, government, city, community got it right during a crisis. Who should we model after in the next pandemic?

It still hurts. I miss my dad.

I don’t think I even touched him after he passed. Dina just came to tell me while I was in the shower that…he was gone. I went out there and he was gone. That was it. We were openly talking about how long he would gurgle before he passed and even looked it up. Who talks like that in front of a dying man? Did he hear us? Did he know we were just sitting around waiting for him to die? That we would then sit around waiting for him to be buried? That we would just end up returning to our lives like a record skipped and righted itself again?

I wish someone would have told me that Bette's dad dies of prostate cancer on a bed in her living room (L Word, S2E11). That's exactly what happened to my dad. The slow decline. The moments of clarity. The crazy side effects from drugs. The constant reminder from my mom that he was closer and closer to passing. And the worst, the morphine I was supposed to administer to him even if he didn't want it. The death kit that was forced on me along with the shame and guilt of when and how it was used. I don't know if I will ever be able to get passed that. The vivid memory creeps in and plays over and over: my dad pushing the morphine away from his mouth. Did he even know what it was? Did he think it was food or water? Did he know it would knock him out again? I think he wanted to know when he was passing. I think he wanted to feel it up until the very end. He wanted to be aware until he really couldn't be anymore. I think I took that away from him.

He was a Vietnam War hero. He was a blackhawk pilot. He was a soldier. He didn't deserve to be taken out like this. He didn't need to die so soon, so young. He was my daddy. I needed him to meet my children, my partner. I needed him at my wedding. I needed him to dance with me.

It hurts so bad. I know he was hurting so bad. I know I am being completely selfish. I know he sees me and hears me. I can talk to him whenever I want.

Daddy, Please help me find joy in our memories. Please help me learn from this pain and apply it to those that are living. I'm so sorry I wasn't honest with you. I'm so sorry we weren't closer. I'm so sorry I moved away and didn't visit that much until it was too late. I'm so sorry I didn't answer the phone when you called. I miss your voice, your smile, your laugh, and your hugs.

I'm so glad I got to spend those few years with you. You taught me so much. You loved me so much no matter what. You helped me with Jo Ann and college troubles. You supported me and loved me. I wish you were still here. I really do. But would I come visit? Would I answer your calls? If you were healthy today, would I change my behavior? We will never know.

The hurt is so deep. Sometimes I try to hide the thoughts and my feelings, but it was so much in my face today. Cancer sucks. Death sucks. Right now, someone is dying. Someone is losing their daddy. Someone is being told they have cancer and such a short time to fight it. Some are giving up right now.

I know I'm not alone in my hurt. We lost Ernie right after you. I know the Mitchell's are hurting too. I know how they feel now that Cindy has a new husband too. So much has changed. So much. What is family now? What is Christmas now? Where is the love that once was?

I have my own family now. I have Jenni's family now - I love how much her dad reminds me of you. I love how he hugs me so tight and comments on my FB page about his "girls". He is oh so sweet and kind. I really worry about his health too. I really want Jenni to have time with him. I just put this message on his page:
Thinking of you. Hope to see you soon! (((HUG))) 🤟
Thanks for giving me that idea. I know it was you. I still see you in every flashing or blinking light. I know you are near. Thank you for ... everything.

~Daddy's Little Girl

I found True Love! 2016

The almost daily chronicles from last year that led to an amazing love. Enjoy!

TEXT: 2/4/16 11:25am - You’re a strong presence and that’s what this piece needs…which I love that I didn’t know that when I cast you J I also trust you and your ability to show up when you say you will.

Together would be awesome!

Hellllllz yeah. Is that a yes? ;)

My heart is racing! I love it! Lets do it!

I’d be happy to meet ya a tad early Sunday to go thru it a time or two. Church starts at 10. We could meet for breakfast or around 930 to iron it out.

YAY! YAY! YAY!!!!!

Early practice sounds great!

Awesome…

I’m so glad we metJ I really like your energy!!! Yay!!!!!

Ditto! Ditto! Ditto!!!!

Yay yay yay!!!!!

JENNI!!!! Do you have a feeling that we said too much last night and then at the same time…not enough?

I think back to all the subjects we hit on and I can’t believe we covered all of that. I worry that I may have talked too much about myself and my relationship. I hope that doesn’t give you a bad impression of me. I know that I have no chance with you if I spend any more minutes with Allyson.

Everything I told you about that other person is true for me as well. It hurts to hear the truth for you but that it means even more for my situation. I said if its real why wait? Why wait for the other person to be taken by someone else? That’s my fear. What if in May your other person sees the light and you jump ship with her? I know I can’t control any of that! I wish I knew the future but …somehow I feel it.

That’s all I meant last night when I said there is something that I need to learn from you. I really feel that way. I can’t shake it. I can’t stop thinking of you. I can’t help imagining you were lying next to me last night. It’s a crazy weird feeling because I honestly feel that I’ve never been in love before. I think this must be what it feels like. I can’t help how I feel. I can’t fight all of the emotions that are flowing through me. I know I need to be realistic. I honestly don’t know anything about you. I want to date you so hard and learn everything, everything about you. I don’t have much of a filter when sharing what’s on my mind.

I can’t believe I told you that I have been having trouble crying or that I even talked about Mukilteo. Then we even got to Peacocks and Projects! I like your description of vibrations as well.

TEXT: 2/11/16 1:33pm – Hey Eve! Thanks for the chat last night. It was nice getting to know you a little bit more and I hope we can continue that. Have a fabulous afternoon!

Hey you! I get the feeling that we both may have said too much but then again, maybe not enough. Maybe its just me. Amazing, comfortable honesty. I love it! Hope there’s more. Keep being awesome!

I don’t know how to be anything but honest. J and yeah…same feeling. Rock and roll!!!!

Crazy how much you can learn about someone by sending beautiful flowers to a beautiful soul…anonymously. ;)

Lol. Truth. I’m just aware that the tip of the iceberg I’ve shared with you may show you just how ‘crazy’ I really am. But I own that and enjoy my own special brand of crazy – most of the time! ;)

Interesting that you’re worried how crazy I may think you are. Brutal honesty with a side of crazy is my fave kind! I’m right there with you! Same pages.

Phew! Good stuff!!!

So why am I documenting all of this? Why do I feel so overwhelmed with every emotion right now but unable to land on a single one? I feel like crying for happiness, for sadness, for the opening of the wound that has been closed shut for so long, for being so vulnerable to someone without knowing how they will react, without knowing how they will respond and then-above all-without fear.

It’s like a found my muse. My creative juices are flowing again. My heart wants to sing a song or write a poem to express this at my deepest level. The songs below have played on Pandora. I do not feel that Pandora randomness is random at all. Maybe that is wishful thinking but this life and its crazy puzzle pieces do fit together in a wonderful way that is often mysterious and filled with ecstatic joy, just waiting for someone to notice.

Kelly Clarkson – Heartbeat Song

Rachel Platten – Long Ranger

Colbie Caillat – Think Good Thoughts, Feelings Show

Sara Bareilles – I Choose You

I choose happiness but above all I rest in the joy of God, the faith and ultimate hope that only a relationship with Jesus can bring. Regardless of what happens between now and next Valentine’s Day, I know that Allyson and I will not be in a committed relationship.

Pandora laughs at this: We are never ever getting back together – Taylor Swift

Bleeding Love – Leona Lewis

Fallin’ for You – Colbie Caillat

TEXTS AND PICS while at White Rabbit last night after dress rehearsal 2/11

I did not communicate to Allyson that I was going to the White Rabbit. I got in big trouble for not communicating. I got accused of always doing this with Stacy which is crazy! I told her that I told Stacy and we had a good laugh. J Didn’t get a good reaction from that. Oops!

Friday:

Fine by me – Andy Grammer

Feel Again – OneRepublic

Today I feel energized! I feel so happy! I feel so determined. I have some stuff in my way but I’m going to get there and that is so encouraging to me!! I want what I want and I have to jump through the right hoops for ME and only ME no matter what the consequences.

So mom just called me – wants to see me to sign some paperwork to be her beneficiary 3/7/2016.

Thursday, Feb 18, 2016:

Interesting weekend. Monologues, special gifts, a green rock and almost a wreck. Lots of grumpiness from Allyson and a very FAKE Valentine’s Day filled with gifts and unspoken expectations.

Fast forward to Tuesday where I had an absolute DIVINE time with Jenni. Great conversation. I broke up with Allyson that morning when she insisted on dropping my car off to Mazda for a recall repair. Then went to dinner with Stacy and then a show at the White Rabbit with new friends!

We ended up cuddling on the couch a tiny bit and getting kicked out. Then stood and spoke honestly on the sidewalk for way too long but loving every moment of it. So cute, so innocent, so sweet. I told her I have never pursued a woman before but that I couldn’t stop pursuing her. We both expressed how easy it would be to go back to her house but neither of us wanted that. It was deeper than that. Whatever it would be is going to be but this means more to both of us. It means so much that I’m about to tear up just writing about the wave of emotions I’m feeling.

Last night I was texting Jenni after the meeting and Allyson flipped out! Several hateful words and accusations. Lisa was involved and I don’t want to rehash it all. But today she is acting sweet as pie and I can’t stand it. She even tagged me on FB because she went over to build Josh a car.

I know what I need to do in order to continue discovering this new opportunity with Jenni. Allyson assumes so much of what is true but why can’t it be true. This is exactly how she felt when she pursued me. She knows the game. The only thing she doesn’t understand is that Jenni is the one showing me that I deserve better. Jenni is the example of what I’m looking for in myself and in a partner.

I’ve stated this before, but I don’t believe I’ve been in love before. This must be what it feels like to be excited about the possibilities. To be nervous but ready for that next step. I don’t know what is going to happen but I am unable to explore that with Allyson still trying to reconcile with me. UGH!

Jenni and I have had so many great interactions via text and music today. Stand By You and Better Place by Rachel Platten. Breathe by Ryan Star. She bought my calendar book. She even filled out a passport application! I wish I wish I wish I could take her!! It’s killing me to have to go with Allyson but hopefully we can come to an understanding that I am done with trying to make this work!

I’m excited about the possibilities with Jenni. I’m nervous about dealing with Allyson and all of her hatefulness. It’s really affecting me physically-stress, anxiety, lack of sleep. I’ve been avoiding this for so long. I need to just pull away completely so that she can go through her emotions with her close friends and not me! Lord help!

Love Me Right! Swag Geeks & Brook Penning!!

Monday, Feb 22, 2016:

I love her Ginger Snatch! What a crazy weekend. Before that an amazing Thursday night (2/18/2016) filled with dinner and events and a first date I will never forget. We went to Mexican, then the Pride Mixer, then the Queering Happy Hour, then the Broadway Drag show. What an amazing night. The touches, the kisses. So great! Yes, I went home with her. Didn’t sleep at all and got in big trouble.

Then Friday, doctor, work, home, nap. J Saturday, Kisses in the park for a small window of time. Just divine. Then Heather, Movies, Gramma on the phone and horrible fighting again.

Sunday, Church. Heartbroken over her tears and Allyson crossing so many boundaries. Jenni is so concerned that this is exactly what happened last year. She doesn’t want to get hurt but she doesn’t want to put up any walls and miss any moments. I explained that if she wanted to call a time out, I totally understand. Then the checklist!!…show, dinner and sideways! Passionate honesty. I could not stop repeating that in my head all day Sunday!

Then my car. Then pack for an amazing date night. Before any words, there were kisses. Public kisses. Amazing example of her expectations and her feelings for me. Her confidence is so sexy. Her walk, her talk, her laugh. This must be love.

I have to get some work done. I hate I’m leaving town but it will be good for both of us. I just want her to trust me. I want her to believe every word and trust her heart. Her amazing heart.

Wednesday, February 24, 2016:

Love is jumping in without fear and putting actions before words. My heart hurts. I knew I was more invested than she but I saw the hope. Now I hear excuses. Tons of excuses. This could mean she wants separation before I’m gone for 10 days. This could mean that she is testing me to see if there will be something rekindled with AKB while on Vacation. I’m not sure. I do believe her that she feels her world changed last year. She says her heart is somewhere else. The problem is that her heart is with someone that is supposedly living in the other room from her ex. She cried over this on Sunday. But now, after this full moon. She’s made a decision to pump the breaks. Of course, it’s all about her and not me. I even volunteered to go get her and talk to her. Whatever she wants. I’m not going anywhere. I just told her “How amazing it would be to have all her heart! The tiny sliver that I see through the crack in the wall is mesmerizing, captivating. Journal Jenni and I have a lot to discuss about you. I will enjoy every moment you allow whether passionate or plutonic. Please trust in that, if nothing else. Wish the Jenni that kissed me in Ralstons would have stuck around a little longer. All the feels!!” She says, “I appreciate you. So much. Same Jenni”

So here we are. I’ve shed some tears but no regrets. I’m so grateful for everything. There is a reason for everything under the sun. There is a reason this all has happened in this particular order. Maybe it’s just for her to see her worth or for me to see mine. Doesn’t really matter. I wish I could capture her heart like this other girl has. Some deep spiritual connection, yet she lets Jenni be tormented, confused and free. I couldn’t, I didn’t. I knew what I wanted and it was her. Maybe I can’t have her. Maybe it is not meant to be. I need to be okay with that.

I feel so connected yet disconnected. She had a rough day. This other girl must have said something. Something changed. Kisses went from Ralston status to “mwah”. Nothing changed on my end. But definitely saw her unclean aura last night. J I felt the disconnection. We had a good time, but in the end the discussion went south quickly. Is she pushing me away out of fear or to just stay available for this other chick? I’m never going to know. The amount of bullsh*t she tried to feed me was nauseating. Went to friend zone so quickly after so much passion and honesty. I appreciate the newfound honesty and that she doesn’t want to hurt me. But that screams of something else deep inside. I can’t force anything. I can’t do anything but control my reaction. I hope by doing it in the right way that I can prove to her that if we need to be friends first and lovers second, she will ultimately pick me. But again, we are both on the rebound. But at least her last girl got several months with her. I could only be so lucky.

I want to believe she is telling me everything. Her words hurt me. Her putting the brakes on this early hurts me. But I need to be okay with it. My journey is not her journey. My thoughts are not her thoughts. My vulnerability was evident in our first discussion. My world changed just as her did 13 months ago. She’s still caught up and maybe I will be too in the next year. But I need to better myself and reach for what I need. I want to get on her page even more whether we’re together or apart. I want her to miss me. I want her to want me. More than that I want to love myself. I want to expect more from myself.

She says she doesn’t know how to date. She doesn’t want to hurt me. Her heart is somewhere else. So many excuses to put up a wall and block out all the good feelings. It’s really sad but maybe it’s not meant to be. Maybe she is over it already.

Sunday she said she didn’t want to miss any moments, but now it seems she’s put too much emphasis on these moments or maybe I am. She’s conflicted and I’ll be patient. So patient. So supportive. So encouraging. Whatever she needs.

Thursday, March 17, 2016:

Wellllll. Cancun happened. We will not rehash that except to say that she spent a lot of time texting and talking with me. Especially when she was home sick with her knee or stye or whatever. That was really special. We seemed to connect deeper while I was gone. Then I came back on Monday and we had plans to date on Tuesday. However, she happened to be at rehearsal in Lawrence and I was basically across the street. So we were able to connect physically and emotionally on Monday. I danced around and it was amazing. The feelings were all still there. I loved it. I told her that she intoxicates me. “Babe...”

Then we had date night. She was a little distant but it was still a great time. She was getting texts or emails from work or this other person. She wouldn’t check them. Odd feeling. Then after rehearsal on Thursday, she came to surprise me at Pepper’s. We watched Karaoke and had a wonderful time. Then we made plans for Saturday. All day Saturday. She first said noon, then she was ready at 10am.

We were going to look at my apartment but it wasn’t ready. So she asked if I wanted to go look at my car. That took forever and we invented a new cuss word from the salesmen’s names. JordanLutherPete! We had so much fun. We went to Kohl’s and she got a ton of new shirts. She was so happy to fit into an XL. I was so happy to see her happy and just BE with her. I love running errands on the weekend. We had lunch AND dinner together. I was still trying to get her to vocalize her feelings or something about her that she hadn’t shared. It’s like pulling teeth sometimes. She said that in previous relationships her opinion wasn’t valued and she learned to bottle up everything. Then at other times she shares her doubts and apprehension. I will attempt to document that here however I did not respond to her regarding these messages.

So the messages are gone. I really wanted to read them again sorta. She mentioned that she was Angry she had apprehension due to her past. She was irritated that her risk management brain is on overload. She is sorry she is not 100% available but she can’t rush that. She believes me when I say you’d/we’d be okay if this doesn’t work out. She said she is still friends with Shannon so she knows it can work. Blah blah blah. Again, the doubts, excuses and preparing to let me down. Then she ran into a meeting. So I chose not to respond. Then she said she was out of the meeting and I just kept the conversation light. I was actually sitting in my car trying to process what this meant to me.

I don’t need her. I want her. I want more of her. But I need to be okay if she is done with me early or often. When we are together, it’s an amazing and fun time. I want her to get back to that but I can’t keep reassuring her that this is a good thing.

Sunday we had our first rehearsal (I’m stage managing her play, all the 10 minute plays now) then went to Dos’s birthday party and had a great time. It was great for my close friends to see us together. Someone asked if we were coupled up and we both responded that we were dating and taking it slow. Jenni actually said we were “working on it.” Again, a little hope. Andy took a picture of us but chose not to post it on Social Media-I’m sure out of respect for Allyson’s feelings. He did send the picture to both of us the next day.

Then this Tuesday we had rehearsal again, but her son was there. It was fine. I really tried to get points with Zion thinking that would help my case. Sneaky but I do like him. What a cool kid, with a cool mom. So we had to keep it PC and say goodbye awkwardly. She did apologize directly to me about her being crazy. I think I understood what she was referring to. It was nice. So here we are. Haven’t seen her in a few days. Haven’t kissed her since Sunday and its all fine. I’m trying to focus on bettering my MBS and not depend on connecting to hers. I think she will respect me more for being independent and I really do want her to miss me. I don’t want to always be the one reaching or appear weak.

She did bring up our different love languages and confirm that mine is Words of Affirmation. Hers is physical touch. So I am constantly trying to give her the words and she is constantly trying to give me the touch. It is a crazy dance. I love all the touches but without the words behind it, I start having doubts. I hate the thoughts that pop into my head and I won’t write them here.

I am really trying to manifest only good things and stay positive. I want to get back to my Bible. I felt so energized yesterday! I want to take care of myself and realize my freedom in NOT having a dedicated girlfriend. I can leave my options open and I teased her that she was teaching me this after her doubt messages. I just don’t want her to keep me around for the good attention or because I like her. Sometimes I feel like that is the case. But in the end, no one can love me like I love me. I need to remember that and do whatever I want to do to retain my JOY with or without her!

So I think you are all caught up on me. A few more things. My car was sold (future Buick Regal we test drove) after Jenni and I walked out. Not meant to be. My apartment is not ready. Allyson is stealing and refusing to give me some things. Steering Committee is now partnering with Pride regarding a community center. I have rehearsal every night next week at Indy Fringe. Until next time…

Thursday, April 7, 2016

Seven weeks today since our first, official date. She has definitely changed her tune about me. I see more and more signs of hope each day. We purposely make time for each other no matter how short. She is so busy. She is directing a play. She is in a new play that opens this weekend. She has obligations to friends, family and her son, Zion, of course. But she stays in touch throughout the day. She is often the first one to text in the morning and last in the evening. She lets me know her schedule and when she is available. She won’t invite herself to my house but very receptive when I do. She has actually stayed with me twice without having a bag packed. Just needed to borrow underwear. I made her dinner (did I mention she is a vegetarian!) of Eggplant Parmesan. It was amazing. Then she was off the next day to help BR high school with a project. So I told her to come stay with me. She didn’t think it was starting until 10am but it really started at 10 minutes to 7am. She decided to stay overnight anyway. J Then she left me such a sweet and simple card. “I like-like you. Like, like a lot! J Jenni.” Knowing her history about not sharing and all of her fear about “us”, this was HUGE to me! Also a big step for her. We also ordered tickets to a Broadway show that night and she posted that publicly on her FB page AND tagged me! That’s also another huge sign that is really getting more invested in making “us” a reality. This all may sound foolish, but I wasn’t sure we were going to get here. I just re-read all of this and am still so grateful for where we have come to.

After rehearsal it was very late. I offered all kinds of things to help her get the rest she needed and then acted on them. Bubble bath, sleepy time tea, melatonin – whatever she needed. (Found out later that she cried about this and told her sister and her sister cried because she was so happy for her!) It was wonderful and she was and is so grateful for me in her life. I feel special and love making her feel special. She’s been through a lot. Married for years and unappreciated by a man. Then married to Casey for 6 years. Then random, short relationships often built after the Vagina Monologues. Her positive energy is amazing. She is an energizer bunny just like me. We go and go and go and go. I love every minute she allows me to adore her and I’ve told her so. She is spending so much free time with me that I know she is invested more than she was. It’s so refreshing. I appreciate whatever this is and so does she. She is trying to stay in the moments and enjoy the moments and we both are, very much. What a great feeling.

I forgot to say that she is going to Florida with me for Papa’s 90^th birthday. That’s HUGE! I think that was really the turning point. I also bought her tickets to meet Dudley in TN (a rescued cow). I wasn’t expecting to go and just wanted her to have the tickets and help cross something off her bucket list for her birthday. She was just worried if Zion would be okay with me going. Well at rehearsal the next Tuesday after Easter, he actually asked if I was going. I told him that I wasn’t inviting myself and the tickets were for her to do whatever she wanted. He said he would work on it for me basically. It was so cute. So the next day she asked me to go and now we have all kinds of plans. Dudley then Coyote Ugly in Nashville! I’m so excited to spend her birthday with her and then the next weekend we are in FLORIDA! WOW! HUGE, RIGHT?

Her sister is actually on her way right now to deliver an essential oil Diffuser to help me stop snoring at night. Yes, that was an issue. I now sleep all propped up so that Jenni can sleep when she stays over. It’s helping but this is supposed to help even more. Plus her sister is a distributor, so I basically just made her money too. I haven’t met her sister yet, but she has heard of me. She is actually going to meet Dudley with us then watching Zion so we can go dancing!

Tuesday, April 12, 2016

Another amazing weekend, best one yet! They just keep getting better. Friday, her opening night after she received Flowers at work (Huge and snap dragons and Gerber Daisies). I met her around 430p at a Victims thingy (like 5 mins!) in Fountain Square, then we went to her house so she could pack and we could make out (her idea!). Then we met Jan and Kat at Jockamos for dinner before the show. All spontaneous and amazing times together. She did great in her show and I smiled so big. So proud for her! She had shows all weekend and so did I (3pm both days). But I was able to make her breakfast Saturday before she had to leave. She went to her meeting at 10am instead of 8am. We were up late. ;) Saturday night after her show, I was really drunk and tipsy. She just said she wanted to catch up to me. I really don’t remember going to bed. J Also, we skipped church Sunday and went to breakfast at Ruth’s. Then we spent almost 3 hours getting to know each other with deep questions (we only got to two questions-she wants me to get the app with the questions so we can continue to get to know each other). She shared so much of her hurts that she cried often. But opened her heart to me and honestly shared how she is unpacking and working on herself. It was amazing. I was afraid she would be crying on the way to her show but she wasn’t. Her friends noticed something was different in a good way. She just said she spent some amazing few hours talking with me. They were all so happy for her! They all think I am very sweet. They keep inviting me to the Cast Party which is this Friday (really late-after the show!) Should be lots of fun! I think we both look at each other with love and keep saying everything BUT I love you. Sunday after her matinee she made me dinner. Then we came to my house. Sat on the couch enjoying the silence with each other. Then decided to get a log for the fireplace and get a little romantic. I can’t believe how great it was just accepting and receiving heart beats from one another. Like I said, a great great great weekend.

She posted something the other day about how “we started slowly, deliberately…like it meant something.” Again, hope for us. I told her last night about how I’ve seen her slowly get closer and open up more and more. I told her it was a huge compliment to me. That it meant that I mattered and we mattered. She said you matter so much babe. She said at one point “hey…” “I miss you”. Means so much from where she came from. I sent her some kisses today in a text and she said “mmmmmmmmmm Miss those kisses so much!”

Just all good feelings. I sent her a song yesterday “You Got Me” by Colbie Calliat. It does talk about love but mainly about how it feels so good it must be love. She loved it and replied that it feels so so good.

Just a complete change. So patient and so loving. We talked about how it just feels comfortable and natural. We are just naturally sweet to each other.

Monday, May 2, 2016:

We’re sitting here working from home. Both super sick. She has strep. I am going to the doctor at 145p to see what’s wrong with me. Super bad sore throat. Haven’t written in almost 3 weeks. So much has happened. I will summarize. I was in Kansas the week of April 11. Got really really sick and had to go to the doctor. Then she picked me up so sweet at the airport with flowers and kisses. I felt so special and loved. It was really late. Saturday I had privately decided to go to the BB auditions in Ohio. Even though she had a play that night, she agreed to go with me! That was so much fun! Glad to cross it off my list! Susie and I helped with concessions and then watched the play again. Sunday we had tickets to Book of Mormon. Ran to the show, then went to Bakersfield for some more loving stares and free tequila. So much fun!! Then on the way home I sorta asked her if this meant we were being exclusive now. She said are you asking me to be your girlfriend? I said yes and asked again. She said she didn’t want to answer if she couldn’t look at me. A couple rounds of that and then on the balcony she said, “Ask me again.” It needed to be a moment. She made it a moment. It was amazing. It mattered to her and to me and came with all the romantic feelings that it should have!

Monday I decided to audition for “All Washed Up” (got the part of Janet) in Delphi. Tuesday JW came by after work and we hung out before Karate. Then we went to Speakeasy with Stacy and had an amazing time again. Later that night, we said “I love you” for the first time and it was beyond magical! So raw, so honest, so real. Never have I ever felt like this before.

Monday, July 18, 2016:

Still so in love and on the same page. Still feels unbelievably magically. I feel so grateful. So loved. Still in awe of her beauty, her heart, her love of life and… me. We have a business meeting to discuss our living together and setting some relationship goals. We have a trip planned to Hilton Head soon. She is in another play and going through rehearsals now. So proud of her. I’m interviewing for two internal positions and really hope to get one of them to level up around here.

We did go to TN, CO and Florida together and it was amazing. So many good memories. So many great experiences and moments we have shared. Tons of firsties. Too many to count. So many smiles and laughs. So much trust, respect and honesty. I couldn’t ask for a better partner or teammate. My heart still floods with so many emotions just writing about my love for her. I’m so proud of her. I’m so proud to be in a relationship with her. I don’t ever want to take it for granted.

Monday, March 13, 2017:

She is on a plan to Chicago right now. She has a conference in St. Louis this week. I miss her terribly already. We are still so in love and on the same page. We bought a cute little house November 2016 just like we planned. I can't wait to spend the rest of my life with her. It just feels magical.

Plenty of Fish Profile July 2013

This is a funny memory. My dating profile on Plenty of Fish July 17, 2013. Just more history and transparency. I'm not scared. :)

(EDIT #2) My name is Eve. I have an older brother named Adam. (You may laugh. J) I am not really from anywhere since we grew up as Military brats although I was born in Florida. My father was an Army Blackhawk pilot. My stepfather was an Army diesel mechanic. I have lived on several Army bases and been to Germany twice. I am blessed to have traveled to many places here and abroad. I enjoy traveling each year to my friends and family as well as special vacations with my grandmother. I have family all over the US including Denver, Washington, Tennessee, Florida, Nevada and Texas. I have no family in Indiana and I am not from here. I ended up here 6.5 years ago for a relationship and a new job. I was a teacher for two years in Memphis, TN. I graduated college in Chattanooga. I have a BS in Interdisciplinary Studies (El. Ed.) I tend to be overly confident and a know-it-all at times but overly trusting and considerate. I would do anything for any of my friends night or day. I have the gift of encouragement and will support everyone to stay motivated towards their dreams and life goals. I have a lot of clichés in my back pocket at all times. Overall its God, Family, Friends and then work for me.

That’s more my bio and resume I guess. But I’m sure you want to know what makes me tick. Well, I enjoy social outings and new experiences outside my travels. I like trying new restaurants and will normally order their specialty to see if I agree. I enjoy going to see movies on opening day if it is worthy of the expense. Movies are either theatre worthy or I wait for the DVD. I don’t like to sit still and normally don’t watch much TV. I make sure that I don’t miss The Soup, Chelsea Lately and CBS Big Brother. Other than that, I like short well-written sitcoms during the regular TV season if they catch my interest. I don’t read many books or watch much horror, sci-fi or fantasy. However I did grow up with Star Trek and have enjoyed the new revamp in theatres. Online I enjoy CHIVE, Reditt, You Don’t Know Jack (trivia game). I also enjoy playing Buzztime trivia at Buffalo Wild Wings. I’m not much for time-consuming gaming or any game that feels like a second job. I did enjoy the XBox  Kinect, when I had it, for getting me off my butt at home. I spend most days on the computer at work so I don’t want to continue to sit on a computer at home. Music is all over the board and I enjoy discovering new sounds on Pandora. I usually stick to Top-40 since that’s all I had growing up in Germany. I can usually pick out which songs will be hits from my SiriusXM before they are even on the radio here. I have most recently joined a playwright class and was in a play downtown in March in between skiing in Wisconsin and visiting Chicago briefly. I did take a much needed vacation the week of July 4 to Seattle, Lake Chelan (look it up!) and Denver. I did pretty well on the paddle board for a first timer! I enjoy the finer things in life like lamb dinners, sushi, wine, craft beers, and topical debates regarding recent news headlines. I also enjoy entertainment news and comedians in my daily life. I would love to be brave enough to go to perform at open mic night at Crackers. I’ve got tons of stories from my life and talk way too much sometimes. I can be very sarcastic and really go too far with it if I’m drinking or in a really good mood.

So, now that you know about me, I’m sure you are wondering why I’m here and what I’m looking for. There are a lot of projects in the world but I’m looking for a peacock. Confident, assertive, intelligent, cultured, open-minded, great sense of humor about themselves and life in general. Healthy, focused mindset and stable in all areas of their life: physical, mental, emotional, financial, psychological and spiritual. I don’t have any children. I don’t mind if you do. I’m hoping you have a good relationship with your ex and your parents. I raised my little sister (half) until she was 4 years old so I feel like she is my daughter although she is 23 now. I’m closer to her than any of my family. I’m hoping you are positive and motivated to better yourself most days. I have a Christian background and would appreciate a general respect for those morals and ethics although I don’t attend church. Please have manners, good grammar and consideration for everyday people no matter what your mood is. Please don’t have anger issues, alcohol or drug or porn addictions. If you notice I don’t focus on the physical appearance much. I would rather fall in love with your mind than your body although physical attraction is important to both of us. Sometimes all it takes is a kiss to know if the physical connection is there or not. In the end, we’ll need to know how to talk to each other and look in each other’s eyes forever. I will tell you that your eyes and your body type will say a lot about you. I tend to be attractive to muscular cowboys or mountain men with beards for some reason. I’m a tall, curvy woman and would like to be wrapped up in a hug or cuddling session. Communication and touch are highly important to my love language. If you’re not talking to me about your day then at least be holding my hand or touching my leg while your distracted. Trust is built over time but the chemistry usually shows up immediately. It either feels right to both or it doesn’t. That needs to be communicated swiftly and honestly. I understand that loving someone is wanting their happiness over your own. I look forward to discovering meaningful little ways to make you laugh or smile. I hope you consistently do the same for me while supporting my goals and dreams. Ultimately, I need a best friend and confidant that enjoys what life has to offer.

------Yes, I was actively seeking a man at the time after failed relationships with women.