January 2010

I just wrote an intensely personal journal entry to start my year off. I have so much on my mind that sometimes I just have to get it out. 2009 was one of the oddest years. So many ups and so many downs. Now that the year has turned, where does that leave me? I feel as if I got off the roller coaster and now wander in an empty theme park all alone. Doesn’t anyone wanna ride with me? I guess not. I look around and see options for so much happiness but don’t take the step toward any new coaster. I just wander and go back and forth from option to option…lost and indecisive; anxious and paranoid; wounded and no one to care.

I turn on my Ipod to distract the thoughts. Then the music speaks to me; encourages me to press on and figure out what exactly would make me happy. But I really don’t know. Where to go? What to do? So much potential. So scared and alone sometimes.

I found something that I wrote years ago when I was in this same predicament. It is still just as true today….

Longevity and Prosperity: Live Long and Prosper. But is it truly possible? Soon if you don’t prosper, what’s the reason to live long? Really? I know we are all impatient. We move too fast, not stopping to look up, down or into any eyes. So, yes, I am tired of waiting to prosper. But there’s my problem – WAITING – like it’s gonna fall from the sky. Whatever! Goals, focus, drive – this is what makes a successful person. Plus add the God-factor and you can’t lose!

I don’t know the date of that but I remember the exact feeling and it’s where I am at now. Now that the ups and downs have settled in my physical life, the battle rages on inside my heart and mind.

Gotta remember to put one foot in front of the other and breathe. Lord help me.

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." ~ Jer. 29:11