Well at that time I was a year ahead of Kimmie and graduated and chose Memphis. She would never commit to Memphis and we continued to see each other as much as possible. But keep in mind I was still in the Christian culture. We were still hiding all this from everyone, even our families. They knew we were best friends. that was it. We hid it from everyone for so many years. Melissa didn't even know. Buddy would joke that we acted like we were married cuz we fought over stupid shit all the time. But it never came out. Because of the culture and the shunning of all things gay in our school, I think they knew we were a lil too close. We didn't even live together. Cory had moved down in Feb my first year of teaching. That threw a huge wrench in everything. Cory didn't even know that Kimmie and I were anything. She came the weekend of Valentines and I was leaving town for a big weekend in Nashville with Kimmie and couldn't even tell her. Kimmie came to teach in Memphis too. The school actually wanted her more than me when I was interviewing. Lies and hiding for years. Then we decided we had to stop and we dated guys. Off and on and off and on until Marcus. Then Deanna. There's some huge hurtful gaps with my teaching and my job in Memphis but don't wanna go there right now. I just want you to know that all these things created the person I am today. The person you love. And after going through all this and being who I am I still can't believe that you love me like you do. i feel so unworthy, ugly, stupid, bitchy and different that no one could love me. I don't think I ever knew what love could really feel like until you loved me. I feel so lucky to have you. I feel so sexy and beautiful when you look at me. My self esteem is awful and I feel so awkward all the time compared to the world. My cocky confidence and stupid defensive humor is what I use to get passed that. It works. I don't know how but it works. You make me wanna be more of myself and more free than I have ever felt before. If I could have lived out loud and proud when I was your age, I'm sure I would act and dress just like you do. You are a small sliver of what I could have become. I admire you so much for being who you are. I know some of it is hiding the real you. I know you are a beautiful flower that is still trying to find the perfect place to bloom. I just want to water you and protect you from harm and help you grow btr and btr every day. I want to take care of you and show you all the love that I've stored up for you all my life. I know how to give love to another person because I know what was missing from my childhood, just like you do. I know what love is and isn't after all my struggles. I know who my real friends are and who they aren't. I know who is being real and who is being fake. I know and love how real you are and how much more real you are being with me everyday. I want you to be able to tell me anything and everything that you think at any moment. There shouldn't be anything that we keep from each other or anything that we can't talk about. I know that communication and trust are the cornerstones of any relationship and I never wanna be too far off your page in your heart or mind. I love you so much Emily. Just like you, these words don't' say it well enough. I dream about the future with you and it makes me just want it all right now. I want that next step and I'm so excited to start up the life stairs with you and your hand in mine. I just feel like we can do anything baby. It amazes me how we fit together so FUCKING GOOD! I just always think, where have you been all my life? But we both had things to go through and choices to make. We still do. But I don't wanna do it with anyone else. Deanna was a rebound and I had to get away from Kimmie and Memphis for so many reasons. I was always wondering about what would happen next and she wanted to move so fast. I just knew that she wasn't the one. So I started looking for an out in anyone. Fun Party Deanna was gone and she became more like a demanding strict mom that controlled my every move. I hated it. I hated being told what I could and couldn't do. And on top of that, not being love properly in any way shape or form. I knew I deserved more. I knew it was out there. And I was too busy looking over your head to know it was you all along. I never knew that we could be this amazing. I never knew that we would kiss so good, make love so sweet n sexy, squeeze each other so perfectly like puzzle pieces, laugh or smile so much that it hurts. I just didn't know baby. I just couldn't believe that we would be anything but a flirt and sex one time. I was on the hunt for a family man and kids and marriage cuz I knew I was getting older. It wasn't because of anything else. I was so sad that my dad didn't get to walk me down the aisle. That he couldn't hold my children. I didn't give him and have any of those special father daughter moments. It still hurts. I just wanted him to be proud of me. I felt as a teacher he was proud but bc of JoAnn, they never came to my school or saw my classroom or met my kids. It hurt but I know it was her and not him. He loved her and did whatever to make her happy and never rocked the boat. I get it. It's fine but I guess I still want him to be proud of what me and you have too. Even if he hadn't died, I would have introduced you to him just like I did to JoAnn. I'm so proud of my PYT. My close family and friends need to know. Because of all the harshness in college over the possible gayness....that's why I didn't put your name on my Facebook. I just don't want anyone to think back to Becky and I and say they knew all along or some shit. Its just a stigma that I need to get over. But it was a very hard time in my life as a freshman in college and really had an affect on me coming out or not. I hope you understand that and it makes some kind of sense. I hope you know I have never introduced anyone ANYONE as my girlfriend. Just you doll. You are so important to me and I want you to know that everyday in everything I say and do. It's me and you baby and I love love love love love love love love love love love love it. I don't want anyone else. I don't wanna search any more. I'm so good on that. It's you and you got all me. Your love amazes me. I've never felt like this before. I miss you so much and can't wait to come back to your arms. You are my one and only, my best friend, my partner in crime, MY EVERYTHING! I cannot wait to make it official and take that sexy ass off the market for good! I just wanna stamp my name all over you like a fuckin Gucci purse! MINE MINE MINE MINE MINE MINE I would do anything and everything to keep you happy and keep you coming back for more and more Swexiness! LOL
I bet you are so sleepy and tipsy now. Webcam NOW! I have to see you baby! I can't stand it anymore! We have to go to bed soon!!
Thanks for sharing your heart with me baby. I'll always take care of it...forever and ever. I love you with my everything. Please never forget that.
---cue the wasted 3 years. HA!
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