Seriously, I have to figure out why I can’t get passed this.
I did the same thing. I shunned her for weeks and went and did whatever I
wanted to do without a care in the world. She has finally found her wings and
was able to cut the cord to me. I believe it is only in getting closer to this
one other person regardless of whether anything is going on or not. I’m really
happy for her – a lot happier than she was with me when she found out I was
talking to several people. She really knew then that it was over. Then I think
we started flirting about sex with the ex. And it happened. We went to
Lynchburg and had a decent time. No talking about getting back together then or
next week. Then she took me to the airport and we were flirting, dating,
whatnot. Monday night when she picked me up – I could tell everything had
changed and I freaked out about some of her comments and revelations. Fixed it
so that we could have a decent Christmas. She was annoyed all of Christmas with
me and trying to start a bad fight. Well she did. More lies, more confusion,
more hatred than before. Sunday never came home. All downhill from there. So
why can’t I get passed this? I was fine before but if I was fine, it was
because I was happy with my freedom and attempting to distract myself with
guys. Now I am more worried about where to live than having a relationship. I
think that’s what I am anxious about. The step into the unknown. It’s so
exciting and scary at the same time. I knew it was over a long time ago. I
tried to move on then and just kept getting caught back up. Both of us just
needed an out and she found hers finally. Looking back at 2011 and 2012 – it’s
always been rocky. It’s always been back and forth, off and on. I bitch about
the same things and she bitches about the same things. Nothing ever changed and
nothing was ever going to change. So I stepped and she was fine. Now she
stepped and I’m not fine. I think it was just the way that it all went down and
all the lies all of a sudden. I’ve got to get passed it. I’m sure she feels
guilty and knows that she really did me wrong but leading her on was wrong of
me too. We haven’t been on the same page for so long. I don’t know why I’m
acting like today is any different. It’s really not any different than it was
before except that I cannot stop thinking about it. I have to remember that I
realized she was not good enough for me and was poisoning me inside and out.
She changed me for the worse. I changed her for the better – so much better. I
did tell her to get her stuff and get out but that is because she did the worst
thing she could have done. It’s almost like she sabotaged the whole situation
so that I would be so mad at her. But honestly, she is just making choices for herself.
She says she is depressed and in pain. I know she is depressed. I know she will
never be happy and I know why. She is damaged and can’t get past the past
damage and believe in herself. I tried to encourage her and so have people
here.
-----Emily was my rebound and comfortable distraction after my ex cheated on me while my dad was dying. She was really young, possessive, jealous and a pill popper. She was a pound puppy that I tried to rescue but she didn't love herself enough yet to know what love was. She was a project and not a peacock.
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