Three women, three years each. - September 28, 2012

Let's go back again. September 28, 2012. She actually met with Allyson that night. Allyson would become my last wasted three years. Three women, three years each. All lesson's learned.

What had happened was…

She was drunk from visiting with a friend at a bar. She shouldn’t have driven home. I was not drunk and had just sat down from cleaning the house and floors. She proceeded to talk and talk and talk until she was sobbing and crumbled on the floor. She shared that she is afraid Brooklyn will forget her. Brooklyn is the little girl that she raised from zero to two years old with a crazy ex named Sara. Well she says that before when she would agree to go back to Sara, Sara kept Brooklyn from her for a year because she was mad. She is so afraid that is going to happen again. Evidently Sara wants Emily back and Emily is afraid if she doesn’t go back with her, she won’t get to see Brooklyn and it breaks her heart. I asked if Sara said that and she said no, but she knows that’s what’s coming. So I think her and Sara have maybe been flirting or discussing the option of getting back together. I knew she went to the Westside Wal-Mart for a reason; I’m not stupid. I think she met Sara out there.

More snot, more crying. She had 3 very strong Jack and Cokes and hasn’t really eaten much in the last few days. So she was really really drunk. She continued to talk about everything and babble on and on. I enjoyed listening to her thoughts. I knew she wouldn’t remember everything she said. She said she would never love anyone like she loved me. She kept going over her history with women and being hurt by her mom and her first girl love. She has such bitterness and abandonment issues. We knew that but she is not sure what to do now or what will happen to her now. She said she is so afraid of next April and what will happen to us when we move away from each other. I told her I couldn’t imagine living without her either. It’s true but it doesn’t mean that it’s not the right decision. I took care of her. We watched one tv show and had some of the special chicken she bought. Then I gave her a trashcan and a blanket on the couch and said good night. That’s when I tried to text you and ended up texting her.

So it sounds like she was really considering going back with Sara so that she could really give Brooklyn the life she deserves. She wants a kid so bad and loves Brooklyn so much. I kept telling her that all she can do is be there for Brooklyn but if they cut her off there is nothing she can do. She has to deal with the worst case scenario and plan accordingly; a whole lot easier to say than do. I knew she was motivated to cancel her auto debits to stupid shit and clean up her credit this week because of something. She never cared before and all of a sudden it was being done. Turns out it’s for Brooklyn and Sara. I have a really bad feeling that she is going to make a bad decision simply because she doesn’t want to lose Brooklyn in her life.

I told her I felt the same way about Heather (my little sister). Whenever I get really drunk like that I always end up talking about Heather and how much I wish for her to have a better life and blame myself when there really was nothing I can do.

She went back to not being able to say goodbye to her dad that Christmas that her mom packed everything and ran with her and her brother. She is so messed up. I told her that everyone is messed up. The daddy issues, the mom issues, the blame game. You must forgive and forget because there is nothing you can do about your past. You can only change the present to create the future. The energy and focus to help others is motivated by someone not helping you. Often times we forget to help ourselves because it’s easier to fix someone else and focus on other’s issues rather than our own.

So I don’t know what’s going to happen now. We’ve been spending a lot of time together and have been so nice and sweet to each other. Last night was really weird and I’m not sure what to think or what to do next. She hasn’t mentioned the text I sent but she did give me a really long hug and thank me for taking care of her last night. I’m not sure how much she remembers. So I guess we shall see what will shake out of this. She just emailed me that she may go home because she is so nauseated. Ha! I bet.

She keeps feeling pukey but never puking. She still hasn’t eaten yet.

Anyway, I need your thoughts and comments ma’am. I have a really strange feeling that she is going to move out before April. I think I can deal with that but it makes me really sad. But it may be best. We are just going to fall in love with each other again if we keep living together. I care for her so much and I know she loves me.

She’s so sorry for all the stupid shit she has done to all of her exes. That’s why she is in the mess she is in now. Her words. She feels bad for keeping Allison (her ex that she met her at the bar last night) from seeing her exes kids – she knows she was stupid and young – says they were just kids and Allison loved them so much. They are now almost grown I guess. She has bitterness, guilt, hurt, trust issues and a lack of general hope and faith in her own life.

Must get back to work…

Write when you can…

Remind me to try to document the story of Allison and Nikki – Emily’s exes that she went back and forth with until they ended up getting together and are still together to this day 4 years later.