I'm going to catalog old messages for historical purposes. This one is from 10/3/2013:
My dearest and oldest friend, the only one that I can truly tell all my secrets to and she don’t give a shit. Like the honey badger. I do what I want when I want how I want. In true Gemini fashion with a Pisces moon, I have 4 individual personalities inside me that wish to assert their opinions into every choice I make. Regardless of the choice, fate still plays a part. My work hard play harder sides are always warring. But my need for closeness yet independence is the worst war to wage internally.
You see I am still in limbo. My PC is still broke. I still live with a woman and her three children that she gets 50% of the week. My things are still mostly in boxes in her unlocked garage. She is quite the flighty bitch and doesn’t remember things or lock her door very often. She has a fairly new boyfriend that she is madly in love with. He is over often with his old dog Maggie. Not to be confused with my old cat Maddie. They are having a pissing contest in my tiny pink room that I stole from one of the tiny daughters.
Moving on…July there was Brandon. Brandon was on a rebound and did not want my body. We continued to date. I went to the Memphis Wedding alone even though Emily wanted to come with me. At that point, I explained to her that there was no positive benefit to have her in my life. And that was that. We haven’t really spoken since. Then there was golf and lots of hanging out with Allyson and Nikki. I had nothing else to do and spent lots of time with them. Brandon and I ended up camping with them around the first of August. It was very awkward. Brandon and I slept in the same tent but there was no sex. Allyson kept finding reasons to get alone with me and sent me a text saying “You blow my mind.” I was like WTH?! What are you trying to say? Brandon smoking and drinking most of the weekend since he had a custody case on Monday am with his little boy. I did not speak to him after Monday. Also Monday, a tiny Asian lady delivered me flowers. They were from Allyson hoping I had a good week at work. WTH? Blah blah blah…Up the petting ladder we went. I kept telling her it was “one and done” just as I did with Emily years ago. She wasn’t believing it and said she would keep knocking at my door. Then I went to Denver. Allyson took me to the airport that afternoon. At the same time, her girlfriend text her a picture of HER CAR in front of MY HOUSE! WTH!? Turns out Emily took the picture and sent it to Nikki. Did I mention that Allyson and Nikki are both EXES of Emily’s? No, well there you have it. While in Denver, Allyson missed me and we talked everyday. She ended up breaking up with her GF of 5 years and we have been dating. We went to TN and stayed in a fabulous cabin and had a fabulous time! Then I went to Key West. Now we are looking at a house to rent since we both need a place really really soon. I’m torn. I’m happy. I’m having doubts. I want to run and be independent but its obvious she loves me. I never had to doubt it. Questions loom. I can’t find anything wrong with her. She’s a high roller, a loan-shark, a well-known dealer of many party favors, a behavioral facilitator, educated, intelligent, kind, funny, tons of friends, a PLANNER and loves to travel. She has lots of money, lots of future goals. So why not at least give it a try for a year? Right? I can see no reason why not. I need to be more goal-oriented. I need to save money. I need to go back to school (applied for my MA-Ed this week!). I need to get stable again! LIMBO SUCKS!
Yes, I could move and start all over with Denver or Chattanooga but why? No job there. No money there. No friends there. Must be patient. Must focus on stability right now.
I think you are caught up. Please provide feedback. I’m happy but I’m afraid I’m signing up to be stuck again. So no more dating, no more independence. Thoughts?
---Allyson and I bought a house Oct 23. I was stuck in a codependent, verbally abusive relationship for 3 years. I tried to break up with her over a dozen times. It was always easier to pretend things were fine and make plans to leave while saving money. I finally broke free Feb 15 2016. Best decision of my life.
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